Whetstone

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DOING IT FOR ME - any critique appreciated - 3
#1
Here's a song with a just a touch of 60's Brit blues flavouring. The vocal is just a scratch recording; 
it really ought to be much better but it gives you an idea of the melody none-the-less. 
Feel free to critique any aspect of the song at a #3 level!


Doing It For Me  

V1 
She sent the kids to school today with aching empty bellies
The food stamps and the money didn't stretch to the month-end
Her stomach is no stranger to the bitter pangs of hunger 
And days will pass before she gets a welfare cheque again

Chorus 

She's desperate, she cannot cope
She's driven to her knees
When you reach and rescue her
You're doing it for Me

V2 
He hides under the bed again, his fortress of protection
In here, he doesn't have to dodge his father's flying fist
His dad is hard and brutal when he crawls into the bottle
So Junior finds a hiding place and prays he won't be missed
-or- So Junior disappears again and prays he won't be missed

Chorus II 

He's desperate, he's hiding out
He's driven to his knees
When you reach out and rescue him
You're doing it for Me

Bridge

Surrounding you are those in need
The victims of society
If you ignore the least of these
You show contempt for Me

Chorus III 

They're desperate, they need you now
They're driven to their knees
When you reach out and rescue them
You're doing it for Me

©R. Gingrich/Serious Noise Publishing 2015
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#2
DH,

I think there is an excellent match-up here between melody and lyrics...could not be better.

I think the only really minor change I would make is food stamps and welfare cheque...For US market these could be said differently....


this is not it but something like this.......

The food stamps and the money didn't stretch to the month-end
Again she finds their money didn't stretch to reach month's-end

she gets a welfare cheque again
before some income rolls on in


Keep or sweep.
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#3
Neil said:

"I think the only really minor change I would make is food stamps and welfare cheque...For US market these could be said differently...."

I'm a Canadian hamster and as such I don't know what the U.S. calls these social assistance programs today or how they are currently delivered, but I think it highly probable that most will know exactly what I'm talking about. Here in Canada it isn't officially known as "Welfare" either, but virtually everybody knows the word and tends to use it generically. I deliberately used the specific terms to emphasize the mother's socio-economic status or circumstances.
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#4
I always admire your lyrical depth. FWIW I kinda like welfare check as invoking a little bit of an older person's vernacular that I've heard some - as if this a grandmother raising kids that were family but not hers and could be some interesting details if you are of a mind. Or... disability check could be another option if you want to play with it.

I'd kind of like to see an element of sacrifice and doing the best possible in the first line - its raw manipulation of listener emotions I know but to really sympathize with your protagonist and maybe enhance the story depth. What if:

She sent the grand-kids off to school today with her share of the stew
The coupons and the scrimping didn't stretch to the month-end
Her stomach is no stranger to the bitter pangs of hunger
And days will pass before she gets a welfare cheque again


I'd kinda like to stay in the same lyrical key for the next - again if you have a mind. There just seems to be so much more to the first story that I'd like to know - regardless of the direction that you take it. What if:

Her tiny peeling house is a fortress of protection
Where little boys don't have to dodge a father's flying fist
Their dad is hard and brutal when he crawls into the bottle
Their too-young mother's late to work and prays she won't be missed

Not saying that's great or anything - just thinking. Keep or sweep as you wish man.
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#5
I'd think about giving Junior a name like Bobby. Generic but not as generic as Jr.
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#6
Very different but I do like the song the guitar sounded really cool. Lyrics where intresting as well with the story line just never heard a song like this before I guess cause I have been one sided on the music I listen to imo. But to each thier own GOD BLESS
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#7
(01-30-2016, 08:14 PM)reacts Wrote: Very different but I do like the song the guitar sounded really cool. Lyrics where intresting as well with the story line just never heard a song like this before I guess cause I have been one sided on the music I listen to imo. But to each thier own GOD BLESS

Well, I must admit that I don't listen to hiphop - just different strokes for different folks, I guess...
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#8
Love the subject and the topics that expose it.....

You could use the more literal "You do it unto me" and it would fit your phrasing to a tee....

I like the blazing guitars...When you are tying this tune out harmonies on the Chorus (female preferably) would be nice

Good job Damp
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#9
Damp, I am impressed. The message I got from the lyrics was, this was Jesus speaking saying, if you rescue them, you're doing this for me. 
The message is straight forward, and follows greatly with the music.
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#10
Hello Damp,


   Just wanted to start off with saying that I like this song you posted. I read everyone’s input and there was some interesting feedback. After listening and reading through your song lyrics I found the message very clear, IMO. You could leave them as they are without fear of a listener not understanding its meaning. Very clever how you changed the gender in the choruses and then made it all inclusive for the end chorus, well done. Good melody with a nice drive and tight musically. As for the vocal track, it may be a scratch track but it lends well to see where you are going with this song. The term “welfare” is generic and lends well to the song.


  All in all, a good song that brings the us face to face with some of the cold cruel realities people are dealing with. The thing I like is that God is the answer but He desires too use us in the equation when answering their prayers. Our personal faith in action. Thanks for posting this song, God bless!

JordanC
"A healthy Spiritual walk with God leads you down a Natural Path of worship."
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