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Chant/Song Revision1
#1
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
There comes a time for a man to lay down
For a man to lay down and die
There comes a time
When the tongue can no longer
utter another lie
 
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
He goes to sleep and the truth comes a risin'
And there's no more time to wonder why
You measure the faith a man professes
Did he lift his hands to You
Or bury his face in his hands and sigh?
 
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
You know all the things these hands have done
Did they caress the broken hearted
Or cover these ears against their cry?
Did they reach out to rescue a drowning soul
Or stand on the shore and wave goodbye?
Where was I Lord?
Where can I find it, my perfect alibi?
 
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
We surely know a stone sinks down
While a bird will rise up and fly
You surely know my sin feels heavy
And I have no wings to try
I know you died on the cross for me
But who exactly am I?
 
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
Have I shoved a dream to the front of a line
Just to gnash my teeth and cry?
The fear of the Lord is forever clean
And it's never Him who says good-bye
I can only trust that you will judge
If I ever knew you at all, my Lord                                                                                                                    
In this life You gave me, by and by.
 
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord                                                                                                                                                  
You warned us that the flesh is weak                                                                                                                
But the Spirit is more than willing to try
And at times upon a glorious dawn
Your Spirit comes to me, whispering why
There's a home that's holy, safe and warm
You made for Your children above the sky
Lord O Lord
Those who follow their Risen Savior will rise
And know in His Glory forever why
To know His joy no more to cry
To know Your love, Lord, and never die
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
Lord Lord Lord
O Lord Lord
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#2
Hi Jim
A beautiful prayer
a beautiful poem

I think it may be very long for a song
Is there a chorus?

Blessings
ang Smile
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#3
Thank you! I wish I could write music. Most of what I compose starts by singing, when I'm sure enough no one can hear. Whatever the tune or derivative melody, it gets lost by the time I finish it writing. I need to figure out the audio end of this site. If I go over enough improvs I might be able to reach a starting point. I hope this site can be a place to learn...maybe even be helpful?
Bless you too
Jim
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#4
Hi Jim
I don't write or read music either
Usually I just start singing and the words and melody flow out
I now capture it on my phone as so many phones let you do that now.
Years ago I would call my house and sing myself a "message"

Then I would record it on my computer using "AUDACITY" a free source

I still do this as a way to keep all the ideas flowing and then I work on them one at a time, crafting the lyric, playing with the melody. I have a whole bunch of songs to work on. When I have a bunch done I send in a collection to COPYRIGHT.
Only after they are copyrighted do I share, as I fine tune them for a CD

While I am working on a CD, I keep recording these "Start ideas" mp3 files and put them in a folder on my desktop.

It's important to capture the melody.

Whats "funny" is that sometimes when I go into the folder to start "working" on one of these I might find I actually "SAVED" the same song a number of times......... with almost the SAME lyrics every time, but I did not realize it!!!
I guess it kept coming back to me and just was waiting for me to get to it!

so I would suggest "capturing" your singing
dont get caught up in the "I don't sing well enough" trap
This is not about you anyway, LOL
now you have a working melody
fine tune your lyrics
2 verses, chorus, bridge usually is all you need
and there you go
you will be sharing your songs - HIS songs that He gave to you to share!
Blessings
ang Smile
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#5
Thank you! Audacity it is!
It's not that I don't sing well enough exactly. It's more like I'm afraid I might think too highly of my singing like one of those American Idol auditioners that cause people's eyes to bug out in that horrified grimacing smile (Randy perfected it). Hmmm...guess I'll have to learn what a bridge is...
Jim
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#6
Initially I’d think this a theodirectional 2 (TD2) song, ie to the lord, to Jesus, rather than to the father (TD1) or to the spirit (TD3). It was the lord who died on the cross for me. Parts however apparently sing to the lord about the lord, really turning it from TD2 into a polydirectional (PD) song (http://lyricology.eu/sggbagj.html), falling into what I call hard misvisualisation. You could get back to TD2 by changing [The fear of the Lord is forever clean / And it's never Him who says good-bye] to [The fear of you Lord is forever clean / And it's never you who says good-bye], and [Those who follow their Risen Savior will rise / And know in His Glory forever why / To know His joy no more to cry] to  [Those who follow you Risen Savior will rise / And know in your glory forever why / To know your joy no more to cry]. You would also need to change [You made for Your children above the sky] to [You made for God’s children, above the sky] or [You made for your people/family, above the sky], since we are brothers/sisters/siblings (not children) of Jesus, but children of his father who is our father/abba.
While the song is easy (in a sense) for men, there can come times when a woman or child should lay down and die. They could feel excluded by you wording: sageism? (http://lyricology.eu/sggbagc.html). Changes such as [a man to] to [us all to], and [he goes] to [we go].
It is good that you include the third member of deity, and that you don’t ask the lord for anything – as he taught, we should only ask the father. It is also good that the song puts us in the dock.
Poetic construction works around the ‘I’ sound {die/lie/why/sigh/cry/alibi/fly/I/bye/by/try/sky]. But the stanzas look to me to be choppy (irregular). For example, stanza 1 has two lines (10 words) between the lines die/lie, whereas stanza 6 has three lines (22 words) between the try/sky lines: I don’t think a syllable count looks any better. I don’t see how this beat will fit into a song. You might like to see how my remake of ‘O Come O Come’, to ‘Rejoice, Rejoice’, puts dots into lines to group the syllables (http://lyricology.eu/ycyce.html.html). You should be able to switch any cluster in any stanza and still sing it to the same flow.
Still round the corner there may wait, a new door, or a secret gate.
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#7
Hi Vinny,
It took me a few readings to appreciate this, but I do.
It took a while to get from "Huh?" to "Oh, OK!"
Note to anyone experiencing a Vinny777 critique: read it till you kinda sorta start to get it.
This is a place where people ask for critiques, not at all just for flattery.
And really, we should take the effort that goes into a real critique as a higher form of flattery.
Thank you for seeing my first take as being worth your time to envision it as having somewhere to go.
I hope you notice in the rewrite (coming soon) how much attention I give to each of your notes.
Jimmy D
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#8
Jim - this is dodie 101 and take it or leave it with no offense taken at all. This is for songs - not chants. I don't know how to write a chant. this is radio quality lyrics - not that I have written any for the radio in my decades in writing lyrics.

I challenge you to grab a melody - even one from another song - and write your lyrics to it. if you do that, you will find that people who do put melodies to songs will say they hear a melody when they read your lyric.

make your verses all the same length. use the same melody with minor emphasis variations (perhaps up instead of down in the second verse)

get to the chorus in 30 seconds or less from the beginning of the song

make the chorus repetitive. at a minimum, start and end with the hook.

use this format
verse
chorus
verse
chorus
bridge (short, half the length of chorus, for change and to wake up listener)
final chorus.

all that being said, you do have a "Lord, Lord," thing going. there are songs like this without a chorus but the verses are shorter. a beautiful example is Chris Rice's Come to Jesus
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=unt...&FORM=VIRE

the objective is going to be listeners will sing along with your song in parts even after only hearing it once - or even in the first hearing.

bottom line - listen to Christian music, study the format they use and mimic at first. don't break the mold until you are an expert at it.

like I say - this is just me
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