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This Is Heaven
#1
Feel free to critique   Cry

This Is Heaven

Verse 1:
I wonder what it's like
To walk on streets of gold
Experiencing life
Where time has no control
To live without this fleshly man of death
having only thoughts of righteousness
Although this place is hard to comprehend
I'll hold this blessed hope with confidence

Chorus:
This, this is Heaven
This, this is Heaven
No more sorrow, no more pain
Every tear's been wiped away
All the former doubts and fears are gone
Then I'll see my Savior's face
Full of wonder of His grace
Oh to finally hear those words "Well done"
Welcome home
This is Heaven

Verse 2:
I'll take my final breath
And reach the finish line
This passage we call death
A temporary lie
For all the battles won and sometimes lost
Thank God I never failed to count the cost

I'm going to a place prepared for me
And with eternal eyes I'll finally see
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#2
Nice
no crits
Smile
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#3
(04-26-2017, 01:45 PM)angela Wrote: Nice
no crits
Smile

thanks Angela.
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#4
(04-12-2017, 04:30 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Feel free to critique   Cry

This Is Heaven

Verse 1:
I wonder what it's like
To walk on streets of gold
Experiencing life
Where time has no control
To live without this fleshly man of death
having only thoughts of righteousness
Although this place is hard to comprehend
I'll hold this blessed hope with confidence

Chorus:
This, this is Heaven
This, this is Heaven
No more sorrow, no more pain
Every tear's been wiped away
All the former doubts and fears are gone [kinda on the fence with doubts in this song.  Perhaps something like "All the forms pangs and fears are gone"]
Then I'll see my Savior's face
Full of wonder of His grace [this line seems off to me, mabye "Full of wonder, full of grace" or "Full of wonder and great/good grace"]
Oh to finally hear those words "Well done"
Welcome home
This is Heaven

Verse 2:
I'll take my final breath
And reach the finish line
This passage we call death
A temporary lie
For all the battles won and sometimes lost
Thank God I never failed to count the cost

I'm going to a place prepared for me
And with eternal eyes I'll finally see

You got a solid start here.  Just a few nitpicks in brackets above.  Only other suggestion would be maybe adding a bridge.

Peter
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#5
Peter,
Thanks for the read and comments. Concerning the two lines you mention...the "doubts and fears" probably wouldn't fit in today's Christian messages but I feel resonates with most of us "human" Christians. I see where you are coming from on this but I tend to write from my actual experience and heart and sometimes that can expose some flaws in my experience with God. Having said that, I believe that most Christians would be able to identify with that.

Good call with the other line....someone else had mentioned the suggestion to change it to "Full of wonder, full of grace" I actually have changed that line. It does flow a lot better.

I'm also floating the idea of dropping the last two lines of each verse as I am starting on the music. My weakness is definitely bridges. I love them...understand what they are for...but to actually put them to music is a challenge for me. I will have to see how it goes as the music comes together.

Tony
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#6
Final version - I think.

THIS IS HEAVEN

Verse 1:
I wonder what it's like
To walk on streets of gold
Experiencing life
Where time has no control
To live without this fleshly man of death
Having only thoughts of righteousness

Chorus:
This is Heaven
No more sorrow, no more pain
Every tear's been wiped away
All the former doubts and fears are gone

Then I'll see my Savior's face
Full of wonder, full of grace
Oh to finally hear those words "Well done"
Welcome home
This is Heaven

Verse 2:
I'll take my final breath
And reach the finish line
This passage we call death
A temporary lie
I'm going to my home where I will dwell
Purchased with the blood of God Himself

Bridge:
No price too high
Or sacrifice
Too much to reach
Our destiny
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
Reply
#7
(07-21-2017, 04:35 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Final version - I think.

THIS IS HEAVEN  (This is hook ...but V1 is future.....Chorus is Present......V2 is future)

Verse 1:
I wonder what it's like  (Hard vowel "I "sound...great for singers but repeated in Verse 2......I've heard you should vary these end rhymes to have different vowel endings)
To walk on streets of gold
Experiencing life
Where time has no control
To live without this fleshly man of death
Having only thoughts of righteousness

Chorus:
This is Heaven  (Very good...first and last part of Chorus have the "Hook")
No more sorrow, no more pain
Every tear's been wiped away
All the former doubts and fears are gone

Then I'll see my Savior's face (long "A" ending was used above already in chorus)
Full of wonder, full of grace  "
Oh to finally hear those words "Well done"
Welcome home
This is Heaven

Verse 2:
I'll take my final breath
And reach the finish line (long I vowel ending again)
This passage we call death  (already used this word "death" before as an end rhyme....in V1
A temporary lie (long I vowel ending again)
I'm going to my home where I will dwell
Purchased with the blood of God Himself

Bridge:  
No price too high (long I vowel ending again)
Or sacrifice
Too much to reach.....(Unfortunately....some may read this that their own hard work and sacrifice will get them to heaven)
Our destiny(Changing from first to second person)

Tony,

Great song idea working here......These are some minor points I have, please keep or sweep!  

I like long vowel end rhymes but some argue that you need to vary them....a, e, i, o, u, y...etc. fresh rhyme endings

Blessings Neil
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#8
(07-23-2017, 02:58 PM)novice62 Wrote:
(07-21-2017, 04:35 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Final version - I think.

THIS IS HEAVEN  (This is hook ...but V1 is future.....Chorus is Present......V2 is future)

Verse 1:
I wonder what it's like  (Hard vowel "I "sound...great for singers but repeated in Verse 2......I've heard you should vary these end rhymes to have different vowel endings)
To walk on streets of gold
Experiencing life
Where time has no control
To live without this fleshly man of death
Having only thoughts of righteousness

Chorus:
This is Heaven  (Very good...first and last part of Chorus have the "Hook")
No more sorrow, no more pain
Every tear's been wiped away
All the former doubts and fears are gone

Then I'll see my Savior's face (long "A" ending was used above already in chorus)
Full of wonder, full of grace  "
Oh to finally hear those words "Well done"
Welcome home
This is Heaven

Verse 2:
I'll take my final breath
And reach the finish line (long I vowel ending again)
This passage we call death  (already used this word "death" before as an end rhyme....in V1
A temporary lie (long I vowel ending again)
I'm going to my home where I will dwell
Purchased with the blood of God Himself

Bridge:  
No price too high (long I vowel ending again)
Or sacrifice
Too much to reach.....(Unfortunately....some may read this that their own hard work and sacrifice will get them to heaven)
Our destiny(Changing from first to second person)

Tony,

Great song idea working here......These are some minor points I have, please keep or sweep!  

I like long vowel end rhymes but some argue that you need to vary them....a, e, i, o, u, y...etc. fresh rhyme endings

Blessings Neil
Neil,
Thanks so much for your careful critique. I don't subscribe to the "no long vowel" endings. I kind of get it, but not something I will worry about. I am working on some music that seems to be coming along real well.

On V1 tense...yes it's future tense from singer's perspective, but Heaven is already present...the idea of the song is that Heaven is waiting...it's not just a future hope but a present reality. I can see the argument but it works for me. I put much thought into not mixing tenses and I guess this is an exception (perceived) that I'm willing to make this time.

The reference you made to "works/salvation" is a good point but that argument won't be won or lost in a song lyric, IMO...ha ha..I've tried that biblically and people gonna believe how they want to believe. It's not how I mean it or believe it....but I DO believe that we have to serve God and live holy (not because we can earn our salvation - because we can't) but there are conditions to salvation. I believe in unconditional love (why Jesus died for us while in sin) but not unconditional salvation. 

Your last comment is absolutely spot on....I caught that and changed it already to "THIS destiny"....again, I've had people argue about destiny (no you) but I like it.

Thanks again for your critique. Good stuff like that really helps me make better songs.
Tony
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#9
Hey Tony
This looks good to me
I never worried about long vowels, hard vowels, never ever paid attention to them
never ever heard that I should and Neils response was really a new take on crits for me

I sing out every day and I have never paid attention to vowel sounds or analyzed them
I'll have to take notice.............
but
I guess if the song says what you want it to say, if the lyric content is on target and the melody works
and there is enough of a rhyme scheme then it works Smile

Blessings
ang Smile
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#10
(07-27-2017, 05:57 PM)angela Wrote: Hey Tony
This looks good to me
I never worried about long vowels, hard vowels, never ever paid attention to them
never ever heard that I should and Neils response was really a new take on crits for me

I sing out every day and I have never paid attention to vowel sounds or analyzed them
I'll have to take notice.............
but
I guess if the song says what you want it to say, if the lyric content is on target and the melody works
and there is enough of a rhyme scheme then it works Smile

Blessings
ang Smile

Angela and Tony,

I hear it is good to vary end rhyme vowels to keep things fresh...mostly from critiques I get from songwriting organizations and in training. I agree it is not widely discussed but when I send in songs for professional critiques I have found there is a whole world out there of correct rhyme endings....note last two comments of this article.

http://www.michael-thomas.com/music/song...hyming.htm

Some don't mention this concept at all....like this site...

http://www.openaccess.org/~flipandzeke/zeke/swguide.htm

Again not a showstopper...I like the long vowel end rhymes you used Tony ..but some argue that you need to vary them....a, e, i, o, u, y...etc. fresh rhyme vowel sound endings

Neil
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