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"You Can Live Again" - level 3 critiques welcome
#1
Some of you may recognize the basic content of this song as I had posted it for critique in it's original 1992 form on CSN's previous site. I have changed the title, edited and rewrote and now I am much happier with the meter and flow. As always, any critiques are welcome - be as tough as you like!


YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN  

V1

I saw you watch a loved one die

Saw him slip away before your eyes

The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart


You know that I can feel your pain

My tears for you fall down like rain

Please realize you're that close to My heart

Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you

I bled for you, (child) I died for you

No blaze of glory, only pain

I took the fall and suffered all

So you can live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears


I know that heartache, I feel you bleed

I'll comfort you in your time of need

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here 


©R. Gingrich/Serious Noise Publishing 1992/2017
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#2
Hey Hamster
Yes I remember this vaguely

It flows nicely
a little nit:
I do think you could make the pre chorus more powerful
but I have no suggestions............ just the know/so is so, ahh, you know?

also, your talking about a person losing someone, but the Lord says so "you" can live again
wouldn't it be more comforting for the Lord to say so "All" can live again?
Now that would really mess up your lyric...........
hmmm
how about a tag
"so all can live again"

as always, keep or sweep.

Let me know when the music is up

Blessings
ang Smile
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#3
Hi Damp Hamster...

I sense this song may not just be notional as some songs are, but one written from personal experience.  After all these years you are still trying to nail this one.  I applaud the tenacity......I re-wrote one 171 times and it remains one of my least like but thank God ....Angela referred to it using the word masterpiece....she commented on your song here and she has commented on so many of mine....

Damp H. I would like to critique this at a level 3, but wonder if you first have a few one word answers to these questions as this will help me..


Q#1:  The person who passed..was this a child?

Q#2  Was the person who passed someone you may be convinced is very likely a Christian?



Thanks,

Neil



YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN  

V1

I saw you watch a loved one die

Saw him slip away before your eyes

The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart


You know that I can feel your pain

My tears for you fall down like rain

Please realize you're that close to My heart

Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you

I bled for you, (child) I died for you

No blaze of glory, only pain

I took the fall and suffered all

So you can live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears


I know that heartache, I feel you bleed

I'll comfort you in your time of need

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here
Reply
#4
Q#1: The person who passed..was this a child?

My best friend's older brother, 24 yrs old, married to my cousin, died following a routine surgery

Q#2 Was the person who passed someone you may be convinced is very likely a Christian?

Yes, definitely
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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