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Who Would We Go To?
#1
All:  Here's one for your edits and recommendations....thank you!


Lord, Who Would We Go To?

Verse 1:

The truths which the Lord taught made some turn away
And many disciples withdrew
The Lord asked the Twelve to see whether they'd stay
“Are you going to leave Me now too?”
 
Chorus:

Lord, who would we go to?
You’re the only one who has the words of life
There’s no one else who has the truth
Lord, we can only go to You.
 
Verse 2:

So where will you turn when you see clouds ahead,
And doubts in God’s Word trouble you?
And how will you answer the Lord when He says,
“Are you going to leave Me now too?”


Chorus

 
Bridge:

Lord, we’ve seen too much to go another way
What we’ve tasted is far too sweet
You’re heaven's manna day by day
You’re the One whom we’ve come to believe
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#2
Only one small thing I would change. The title & chorus would be " To Whom Would We Go?"
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#3
Ok, 2 small things: "Are you going to leave me now, too?" feels a little too busy. I would either say "now" or "too" not both.
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#4
Hi Neil,

My suggestions come with the obvious caveat that they may not fit to your rhythm, meter and vocal phrasing.

I'm wondering if all the words in lines 1 and 3 (verses) are crucial to your syllable count? Do you need them to fill up the lines? If not, the lines could be edited to be a bit more concise - I'll use your first verse to illustrate the point. You wrote:

"The truths which the Lord taught made some turn away
And many disciples withdrew
The Lord asked the Twelve to see whether they'd stay
“Are you going to leave Me now too?”"

Here is how I might tweak it:

Verse 1:

Truths the Lord taught made some turn away
And many disciples withdrew
He then asked the Twelve whether they'd stay
“My friends/brothers, will you leave Me too?” (brothers might be controversial...)


As always, keep or sweep as you see fit.
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#5
(03-10-2017, 02:14 PM)damp hamster Wrote: Hi Neil,

My suggestions come with the obvious caveat that they may not fit to your rhythm, meter and vocal phrasing.

I'm wondering if all the words in lines 1 and 3 (verses) are crucial to your syllable count? Do you need them to fill up the lines? If not, the lines could be edited to be a bit more concise - I'll use your first verse to illustrate the point. You wrote:

"The truths which the Lord taught made some turn away
And many disciples withdrew
The Lord asked the Twelve to see whether they'd stay
“Are you going to leave Me now too?”"

Here is how I might tweak it:

Verse 1:

Truths the Lord taught made some turn away
And many disciples withdrew
He then asked the Twelve whether they'd stay
“My friends/brothers, will you leave Me too?”  (brothers might be controversial...)


As always, keep or sweep as you see fit.


Shannon, and Damp Hamster....I have been away for some time and just getting back into writing...thank you for your suggestions...very big help as always.

Neil
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