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A LOVE LIKE THIS pls critique
#1
Here's a different style for me. I'm not sure how this is going to translate to others. It makes sense to me and the progression of the lyrics were not random but much labored over. Let me know what you think. 

A LOVE LIKE THIS

V1
I'm enslaved
So afraid
My heart’s chained
My soul caged
Why does it have to be like this?

V2
This charade
Such a fake
My own way
My mistake
It doesn’t have to be like this

V3
Bowed and prayed
Faith engaged
Now I’m saved
Now awake . . .

(instrumental build up)

Bridge
Now my life's remade
And I'm so amazed 
All my sins erased
All that He forgave
I never felt a love like this
I never felt a love like this
I never felt a love like this
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#2
Nice lyrics for sure. Would love to hear what you have for a melody and the instrumentation!
Andy McCann

Worship Songwriter - God of this City (Chris Tomlin)
                               King of Love (Robin Mark)
                               You Said (Robin Mark)
                               We Wait For You (Me! https://www.facebook.com/andymccannmusic...153282599/)

Producer - http://www.aprilaudio.com - Bring Your Worship Song To Life. Full Band Productions. Demos.
 
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#3
You and me both...haha...I actually have no idea for melody or music/arrangement. It's a bit of a different style for me.
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#4
I think v3 might could actually be your bridge, & your bridge could actually be verse 3. I'm not saying change the order, just how you named things. Then the bridge could actually be leading into something (v3). "I never felt a love like this" could be a tag. Well, the first time could be part of the verse, giving you five lines like the other verses, then the last two times could be the tag. Make sense? Your bridge would then have four lines, setting it apart from the verses.
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#5
I've got a sample for you, but I can't record today. My son has the good keyboard in his room & he is sick. Sad
Try this:
Em over "enslaved"
Dm over "afraid"
Em over "chained"
Dm over "caged"
Am over "this"

Verse 3 becomes bridge, used G over line 1 &3, uses F over line 2 & 4.

Big instrumental, then song softens again for Verse 3 (previously the bridge) & uses same chords as other verses: Em, Dm, Am

Still make sense? Like I said, as soon as my son is better, I will send it to you. Of course, everything is piano, so you will have to transpose for guitar Smile
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#6
Apologies for being so opinionated! Kind of took over. But don't feel you have to use any of it Smile
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#7
(01-31-2017, 05:06 PM)ShannonB Wrote: Apologies for being so opinionated! Kind of took over. But don't feel you have to use any of it Smile

Shannon,
No need to apologize. I need all the help I can get. I love Em so will look at that when I get a chance.  I'm still not very confident in my songwriting. Lyrics are what I'm most comfortable with but really want to advance into full blown arranging and producing actual songs. \
Thanks,
Tony
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#8
(01-28-2017, 11:39 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Here's a different style for me. I'm not sure how this is going to translate to others. It makes sense to me and the progression of the lyrics were not random but much labored over. Let me know what you think. 

A LOVE LIKE THIS

V1
I'm enslaved
So afraid
My heart’s chained
My soul caged
Why does it have to be like this?

V2
This charade
Such a fake
My own way
My mistake
It doesn’t have to be like this

V3
Bowed and prayed
Faith engaged
Now I’m saved
Now awake . . .

(instrumental build up)

Bridge
Now my life's remade
And I'm so amazed 
All my sins erased
All that He forgave
I never felt a love like this
I never felt a love like this
I never felt a love like this

I really like this. For some reason, I'm hearing a Charlie Peacock vibe with just a hint of Adrian Snell on this one.  Thanks so much for sharing.

Peter
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#9
Peter,
I never heard of Charlie Peacock or Adrian Snell. I have now! I love both of their styles! That is exactly the feel I have for this song. I am seriously struggling to come up with music though. If anyone wants to throw in their talents for a collab, just let me know. Thanks for the compliment and listen.
Tony
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#10
I have a final lyric and an idea for music. I really think a hard rock/metal will work for this one:

A Love Like This
I'm enslaved
So afraid
Smell the rage
My soul caged
I can't go on like this
I can't go on like this
I can't go on...

This charade
Such a fake
My own way
My mistake
I won't go on like this
I won't go on like this
I won't go on ...

Bowed and prayed
Faith engaged
Now I’m saved
Now awake . . .

(instrumental)

Now my life's remade
And I am so amazed
All my sins erased
All that He forgave
I never felt a love like this
I never felt a love like this
I never felt a love like this
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