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Our Father
#1
All:  Here's a one we are working on....can you tell us how you'd recommend we improve it?  Thank you!  Neil


http://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/playe...18885&q=hi

Our Father

Composed by Warren Jurgens
Lyrics: Neil Sleevi


Verse 1:
 
Jesus foll'wers saw Him pray
And asked Him this request:
"Master teach us words to say
When needs must be expressed.
Words to reach God's holy throne
Words to seek Him on our own
Words for peace that He imparts
So we may touch His heart"
 
Chorus:
 
Our Father forever
The Kingdom belongs to You.
Our Father forever
All power and glory too
 
Verse 2:
 
Jesus taught them how to pray
Each word and every phrase
He began His prayer that day
With glorifying praise
Honoring the Father's love
And His mercy from above,"
Worshiping with all acclaim
"Lord, holy is Your name"
 
Chorus:
 
Verse 3
 
Say “Your kingdom’s coming soon
Lord, let Your will be done
Give us bread that we consume
When each day's begun
Lord, release the debts we owe
With forgiveness that  we show
Keep us from temptation's nets
Deliver us instead"
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#2
Well Neil!
This is a well written, beautiful song. You have approached this with such ease of comprehension that paints wonderfully clear pictures. I'm a fan of this one. Excellent job! God bless!

Jordan
"A healthy Spiritual walk with God leads you down a Natural Path of worship."
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#3
Wow, what a song!! I can envision a cello coming in during the second verse, but keeping it simple is beautiful. Fantastic vocalist!!
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#4
Jordan and Ronnie....with so many songs you've done...I really appreciate your compliment. 

I appreciate the Lord's direction getting people like you to help with my edits, etc.  

I will pass along comments to the vocalist here in KC area who did this one.

Thanks,

Neil
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#5
Beautiful guitar playing and great vocals. I can imagine in the 3rd verse that it quiets down and stops with the fingerpicking to bring a bit of musical relief before breaking into a powerful final chorus. In terms of lyrics, the only thing that stuck out to me as a songwriter was the word "Phrase"...I don't know, it just doesn't feel like a word that sings very well - does that make sense?!
Andy McCann

Worship Songwriter - God of this City (Chris Tomlin)
                               King of Love (Robin Mark)
                               You Said (Robin Mark)
                               We Wait For You (Me! https://www.facebook.com/andymccannmusic...153282599/)

Producer - http://www.aprilaudio.com - Bring Your Worship Song To Life. Full Band Productions. Demos.
 
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#6
Andy,

Great ideas thanks. Neil
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#7
The over all sound of the song is nice, and your vocals are clear and the message sound; however, there is something about the guitar that isn't working for me. It needs more movement, not speed or more finger picking but more chords, and passing notes between the chords.

Listen to some popular songs, and you can hear more solid chord progression. It's just more pleasant to the ear.

Your vocal was shaky and off key in a few places, but your tone is lovely.

Larry~
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#8
(01-27-2017, 08:43 PM)larrymcfarland Wrote: The over all sound of the song is nice, and your vocals are clear and the message sound; however, there is something about the guitar that isn't working for me. It needs more movement, not speed or more finger picking but more chords, and passing notes between the chords.

Listen to some popular songs, and you can hear more solid chord progression. It's just more pleasant to the ear.

Your vocal was shaky and off key in a few places, but your tone is lovely.

Larry~


Larry,

Great constructive comments.  We plan to address your points in our next turn of this one.  You have confirmed our thinking as well.

Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment.

Neil
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#9
I quite enjoy the guitar chords and movement the way it is - I think it works well. It adds to the gentleness and simplicity of the song. That's my 2 cents!
Andy McCann

Worship Songwriter - God of this City (Chris Tomlin)
                               King of Love (Robin Mark)
                               You Said (Robin Mark)
                               We Wait For You (Me! https://www.facebook.com/andymccannmusic...153282599/)

Producer - http://www.aprilaudio.com - Bring Your Worship Song To Life. Full Band Productions. Demos.
 
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#10
Hi Neil,

I agree with Andy on this one!
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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