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(REVISED) SEE FOR YOURSELF (Country)
#1
Wink 
Here's a new country song I am working on. Feel free to critique.  I know there are some bad usage of grammar.....but, it's country y'all! Tongue


SEE FOR YOURSELF (REVISED)
© Tony Pistilli 2017
 
CHORUS
YOU GOTTA SEE FOR YOURSELF
A SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE WON’T DO
YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND GOOGLE IT
BUT UNTIL YOU'RE TRULY DOIN’ IT
YOU WILL NEVER REALLY HAVE A CLUE
 
BUT WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
YOU’LL BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN
THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
IT'S NOT A SCAM
WHEN YOU SEE IT FOR YOURSELF
 
VERSE 1
LIKE A MAN BORN BLIND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
TO WATCH THE SUN MELTING INTO THE SEA
OR THE STARS AT NIGHT AS THEY WINK IN THE SKY
OR WHEN THEY DIE IN A FIERY STREAK
 
IF YOU WANT TO SING, LIKE A BIRD ON A WING
HERE’S THE KEY TO YOUR SPIRITUAL CELL
THERE SO MANY THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN
YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO SEE FOR YOURSELF
 
CHORUS
 
VERSE 2
I KNEW A VIETNAM VET AND HIS LIFE WAS A MESS
HE WALKED AROUND IN A PERMANENT HAZE
HE GOT HIS HEART RIGHT WITH THE LORD JESUS CHRIST
AND THEN HE CHANGED FROM A SINNER TO SAINT
 
AND I SAID "OH MY, I AIN'T GONNA LIE
I WANT OFF OF THIS HIGHWAY TO HELL”
THEN HE LOOKED IN MY EYES AND SAID "GIVE IT A TRY"
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW 'TIL YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
 
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#2
(01-03-2017, 01:16 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Here's a new country song I am working on. Feel free to critique.  I know there are some bad usage of grammar.....but, it's country y'all! Tongue


SEE FOR YOURSELF (REVISED)
© Tony Pistilli 2017
 
CHORUS
YOU GOTTA SEE FOR YOURSELF
A SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE WON’T DO
YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND GOOGLE IT
BUT UNTIL YOU'RE TRULY DOIN’ IT
YOU WILL NEVER REALLY HAVE A CLUE
 
BUT WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
YOU’LL BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN
THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
IT'S NOT A SCAM
WHEN YOU SEE IT FOR YOURSELF
 
VERSE 1
LIKE A MAN BORN BLIND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
TO WATCH THE SUN MELTING INTO THE SEA
OR THE STARS AT NIGHT AS THEY WINK IN THE SKY
OR WHEN THEY DIE IN A FIERY STREAK
 
IF YOU WANT TO SING, LIKE A BIRD ON A WING
HERE’S THE KEY TO YOUR SPIRITUAL CELL
THERE SO MANY THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN
YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO SEE FOR YOURSELF
 
CHORUS
 
VERSE 2
I KNEW A VIETNAM VET AND HIS LIFE WAS A MESS
HE WALKED AROUND IN A PERMANENT HAZE
HE GOT HIS HEART RIGHT WITH THE LORD JESUS CHRIST
AND THEN HE CHANGED FROM A SINNER TO SAINT
 
AND I SAID "OH MY, I AIN'T GONNA LIE
I WANT OFF OF THIS HIGHWAY TO HELL”
THEN HE LOOKED IN MY EYES AND SAID "GIVE IT A TRY"
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW 'TIL YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
 

Tony....Great country song idea...my edits are just what comes to mind...the way you have it is o.k.

Verses looked fine to me..one word you may want to change is Vietnam to "disabled"

Keep or sweep!  


Neil

----------------------------------------------


CHORUS
YOU GOTTA SEE FOR YOURSELF
A SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE WON’T DO  (No hearing about it will do)
YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND GOOGLE IT (Go ahead go online and Google it)
BUT UNTIL YOU'RE TRULY DOIN’ IT
YOU WILL NEVER REALLY HAVE A CLUE  (You won’t really  even have a clue)
 
BUT WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF  (Believe and see for yourself)
YOU’LL BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN  (Being born all over again)
THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND  (Will let you understand)
IT'S NOT A SCAM (This ain’t no scam)
WHEN YOU SEE IT FOR YOURSELF
Reply
#3
Neil,
Thanks for the comments. The problem with "disabled" vs "Vietnam" is that the emphasized syllable is in a different place which would mess up the scheme:

MAN born BLIND disAbled MAN VIETnam Vet

I do have a different number of syllables in the first line of both verses but it's the emphasized syllables that matter more than the actual number. The thing I like about disabled vs Vietnam is that it has a much more broad appeal. I may look at changing that line. It originally was "I had a friend named Jeff and his life was a mess." because the song is actually coming from the testimony of my life but it sounded stupid and campy.

MAN born BLIND VIETnam VET disABLED VET

I do like your line "This ain't no scam" though.
Thanks for reading and commenting on my lyrics.
Tony
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#4
(01-05-2017, 10:51 AM)tpistilli Wrote: Neil,
Thanks for the comments. The problem with "disabled" vs "Vietnam" is that the emphasized syllable is in a different place which would mess up the scheme:
 
MAN   born   BLIND           disAbled   MAN         VIETnam   Vet

I do have a different number of syllables in the first line of both verses but it's the emphasized syllables that matter more than the actual number. The thing I like about disabled vs Vietnam is that it has a much more broad appeal.  I may look at changing that line. It originally was "I had a friend named Jeff and his life was a mess." because the song is actually coming from the testimony of my life but it sounded stupid and campy.

MAN  born  BLIND      VIETnam  VET     disABLED  VET

I do like your line "This ain't no scam" though.  
Thanks for reading and commenting on my lyrics.


Tony


O.K. Tony,

But disABled and viETnam have same stresses to me..
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#5
Hmmm...looking at it, it can work either way depending how you say Vietnam. I probably don't say it right. Either way, I'm not liking the line so how about something like this:

THERE'S A MAN I MET, SAID HIS LIFE WAS A MESS

I think I like the more generic approach here and it opens up that it was a conversation right away.

tony
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
Reply
#6
(01-05-2017, 12:15 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Hmmm...looking at it, it can work either way depending how you say Vietnam. I probably don't say it right. Either way, I'm not liking the line so how about something like this:

THERE'S A MAN I MET, SAID HIS LIFE WAS A MESS

I think I like the more generic approach here and it opens up that it was a conversation right away.

tony

Tony, that sounds fine, but I want to encourage you first to look up various sermons written on the words....

Psalm 34-8 "Taste and see the Lord is good."

http://biblehub.com/psalms/34-8.htm

I think your point and the Psalmists point are the same..but as you read through various sermons on that topic you may find the perfect metaphor for "someone whose life was a mess finding God"

Blessings. Neil
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#7
(01-06-2017, 09:45 AM)novice62 Wrote:
(01-05-2017, 12:15 PM)tpistilli Wrote: Hmmm...looking at it, it can work either way depending how you say Vietnam. I probably don't say it right. Either way, I'm not liking the line so how about something like this:

THERE'S A MAN I MET, SAID HIS LIFE WAS A MESS

I think I like the more generic approach here and it opens up that it was a conversation right away.

tony

Tony, that sounds fine, but I want to encourage you first to look up various sermons written on the words....

Psalm 34-8 "Taste and see the Lord is good."

http://biblehub.com/psalms/34-8.htm

I think your point and the Psalmists point are the same..but as you read through various sermons on that topic you may find the perfect metaphor for "someone whose life was a mess finding God"

Blessings. Neil

Neil,
I'll take you up on that. I have been going back and forth between keeping the lyrics from my testimony vs just making a good song.  I will check out your suggestion and see if something better comes up. Thanks again for your continued help. I don't just want to finish the song but make it as good as I can. Sometimes I get too lazy, if you know what I mean.
Tony
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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#8
OK Neil,

You've made me work for this one. But I'm glad you did.  Please check out this major revision (even the chorus) and let me know what you think.

SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS
YOU GOTTA SEE FOR YOURSELF
A SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE WON’T DO
YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND GOOGLE IT
BUT UNTIL YOU START PURSUIN' IT
YOU WILL NEVER REALLY HAVE A CLUE

BUT WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
YOU’LL BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN
AND WHEN YOU'VE FOUND YOUR PEARL
YOU CAN TELL THE WORLD
YOU GOTTA SEE IT FOR YOURSELF

VERSE 1
LIKE A MAN BORN BLIND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
TO WATCH THE SUN MELTING INTO THE SEA
OR THE STARS AT NIGHT AS THEY WINK IN THE SKY
OR WHEN THEY DIE IN A FIERY STREAK

IF YOU'RE LONGING TO SING, LIKE A BIRD ON A WING
HERE’S THE KEY TO YOUR SPIRITUAL CELL
THERE'RE SO MANY THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN
YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS

VERSE 2
IF YOUR MIND'S DEPRESSED, FEELING WORTHLESS AND STRESSED
LIKE A DOG LEFT TO DIE ON A CHAIN
AND YOUR HEART'S BEEN BROKE, HARDLY ABLE TO COPE
CAN BARELY PUMP ENOUGH LIFE IN YOUR VEINS

IF YOU'LL OFFER A PRAYER, TO THE SAVIOR WHO CARES
YOU'LL BE FREED FROM YOUR PERSONAL HELL
WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE
YOU'LL FIND HOPE WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS (x2)
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
Reply
#9
(01-06-2017, 03:42 PM)tpistilli Wrote: OK Neil,

You've made me work for this one. But I'm glad you did.  Please check out this major revision (even the chorus) and let me know what you think.

SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS
YOU GOTTA SEE FOR YOURSELF
A SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE WON’T DO
YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND GOOGLE IT
BUT UNTIL YOU START PURSUIN' IT
YOU WILL NEVER REALLY HAVE A CLUE

BUT WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
YOU’LL BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN
AND WHEN YOU'VE FOUND YOUR PEARL
YOU CAN TELL THE WORLD
YOU GOTTA SEE IT FOR YOURSELF

VERSE 1
LIKE A MAN BORN BLIND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
TO WATCH THE SUN MELTING INTO THE SEA
OR THE STARS AT NIGHT AS THEY WINK IN THE SKY
OR WHEN THEY DIE IN A FIERY STREAK

IF YOU'RE LONGING TO SING, LIKE A BIRD ON A WING
HERE’S THE KEY TO YOUR SPIRITUAL CELL
THERE'RE SO MANY THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN
YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS

VERSE 2
IF YOUR MIND'S DEPRESSED, FEELING WORTHLESS AND STRESSED
LIKE A DOG LEFT TO DIE ON A CHAIN
AND YOUR HEART'S BEEN BROKE, HARDLY ABLE TO COPE
CAN BARELY PUMP ENOUGH LIFE IN YOUR VEINS

IF YOU'LL OFFER A PRAYER, TO THE SAVIOR WHO CARES
YOU'LL BE FREED FROM YOUR PERSONAL HELL
WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE
YOU'LL FIND HOPE WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS (x2)



Tony, much better...here's a few more small edits...Keep or sweep!

Neil

---------------------------------------------

SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS
YOU GOTTA SEE FOR YOURSELF
A SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE WON’T DO
YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND GOOGLE IT
BUT UNTIL YOU START PURSUIN' IT
YOU WILL NEVER REALLY HAVE A CLUE

BUT WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
YOU’LL BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN
FROM ABOVE, MY FRIEND
AND WHEN YOU'VE FOUND YOUR PEARL  
LIFE
YOU CAN TELL THE WORLD
WILL SEE JUST WHY
YOU GOTTA SEE IT FOR YOURSELF

VERSE 1
LIKE A MAN BORN BLIND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
(CAN A MAN BORN BLIND KNOW WHAT COLOR’s ) LIKE
TO OR WATCH THE SUN MELTING INTO THE SEA
OR
COUNT THE STARS AT NIGHT AS THEY WINK IN THE SKY
OR WHEN THEY DIE
SLICE THE NIGHT IN A FIERY STREAK

IF YOU'RE LONGING TO SING, LIKE A BIRD ON A WING     (these two lines line 5 and 6 seem disconnected to me)
HERE’S THE KEY TO YOUR SPIRITUAL CELL (HEALTH?)
THERE'S SO MANY THINGS THAT YOU
ONE CANNOT EXPLAIN
YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS

VERSE 2
IF YOUR MIND'S DEPRESSED, FEELING WORTHLESS AND STRESSED
LIKE A DOG LEFT TO DIE ON A CHAIN
AND YOUR HEART'S BEEN BROKE, HARDLY ABLE TO COPE
CAN BARELY PUMP ENOUGH LIFE IN YOUR VEINS

IF YOU'LL OFFER A PRAYER, TO THE SAVIOR WHO CARES
YOU'LL BE FREED FROM YOUR PERSONAL HELL
WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE YOU GOT NOTHING
SOMETHING TO LOSE
YOU'LL FIND HOPE WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF

CHORUS (x2)
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#10
[quote pid='3237' dateline='1483820217']
IF YOU'RE LONGING TO SING, LIKE A BIRD ON A WING     (these two lines line 5 and 6 seem disconnected to me)
HERE’S THE KEY TO YOUR SPIRITUAL CELL (HEALTH?)

                   Yeah, I see what you mean with that


IF YOU'LL OFFER A PRAYER, TO THE SAVIOR WHO CARES

YOU'LL BE FREED FROM YOUR PERSONAL HELL
WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE YOU GOT NOTHING 
SOMETHING TO LOSE
YOU'LL FIND HOPE WHEN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
                    Good catch - definitely have to fix that....lol.
Thanks,
Tony

[/quote]
soundcloud.com\ctonyp
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