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What Jesus Is Doing Now
#1
Hi everyone...
Normally if I post something here I am fairly content with it, but not this time.  I like the concept of this song but it has been hard to nail down for some reason and I have done way more rewriting and such than usual.  I am still not happy with it but it is the best I have gotten.  There are chords and a melody but I think it is still too unfinished for that.
Any comments appreciated.  I know there are some syllabic and scan issues.
Form is A B A B with likely a repeat of the first B section at the end although that is not locked in.

What Jesus Is Doing Now
The truth is in the gospels -
How God lived here as man.
I marvel at the miracles
Jesus did back then.
That He still lives is certain
I just look around -
All the proof I need
Is in what I see
Jesus doing now.
 
I see broken hearts mended
I see hope restored,
I’ve seen lives transformed
When they’ve turned to the Lord.
I see comfort for the grieving -
Light breaking through somehow.
As grace abounds
That’s what I’ve found
Jesus doing now.
 
James told the early Christians
Without works faith is dead.
Your blessing will not feed a man
When he begs for bread.
The church began the mission
And they’ve shown others how
I cannot deny
All the things that I
See Jesus doing now.
 
I see mission trips taken
I see gifts of food
I see Christ in action
God’s people doing good.
I see shelter for the homeless
More need than time allows
I can see
So much we need
Jesus doing now.
Reply
#2
(11-22-2016, 11:24 AM)EdAlbaugh Wrote: Hi everyone...
Normally if I post something here I am fairly content with it, but not this time.  I like the concept of this song but it has been hard to nail down for some reason and I have done way more rewriting and such than usual.  I am still not happy with it but it is the best I have gotten.  There are chords and a melody but I think it is still too unfinished for that.
Any comments appreciated.  I know there are some syllabic and scan issues.
Form is A B A B with likely a repeat of the first B section at the end although that is not locked in.

What Jesus Is Doing Now
The truth is in the gospels -
How God lived here as man.
I marvel at the miracles
Jesus did back then.
That He still lives is certain
I just look around -
All the proof I need
Is in what I see
Jesus doing now.
 
I see broken hearts mended
I see hope restored,
I’ve seen lives transformed
When they’ve turned to the Lord.
I see comfort for the grieving -
Light breaking through somehow.
As grace abounds
That’s what I’ve found
Jesus doing now.
 
James told the early Christians
Without works faith is dead.
Your blessing will not feed a man
When he begs for bread.
The church began the mission
And they’ve shown others how
I cannot deny
All the things that I
See Jesus doing now.
 
I see mission trips taken
I see gifts of food
I see Christ in action
God’s people doing good.
I see shelter for the homeless
More need than time allows
I can see
So much we need
Jesus doing now.

What Jesus Is Doing Now

Ed,

I am obliged to comment on CSN to make as many song posts as I do so I usually like to find ones that have no other comments yet...Not picking on you and this is meant to be constructive

Of course....I may be way off so keep or sweep and just disregard.

 I think you have a great idea for a song.......if you have ABAB, because you have distinct melodies for A and B parts, I would make them all 8 line verses and add another 8 line verse with a 6 line chorus or bridge.

Here's my comments about your ABAB structure as you have it...

The Meter of the A sections (V1 and V3) needs to match line for line…..
You have good structure contrast for B sections V2 and V4 when compared to each other.
Here’s an ABAB you may want to see how the structure meter and melody are different (A sections vs. B sections)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5EUcYw96us
Four verses like this ABAB should have different melody completely between A and B…..and the structure of the lines for the A’s should match …A matches A…….but be much different than B’s (but B matches B)
If it were me, I would get rhyme schemes of the A’s to match each other and the B sections to match each other…..but let A ryme scheme be different than the B rhyme schemes

Overall if you tell what you see….a word picture tells your listener what you see so you don’t need to use the words “I see”….
 
Here's what one woman said about "seeing" Jesus today..................

http://www.loyolapress.com/our-catholic-...esus-today

I know you "see" Jesus too from your words below....but notice how one can "show" instead of "tell" with words?

Hope this gives you something to consider to move this important message you have forward...

Blessings,

Neil

-------------------------

Section A
V1
Rhyme scheme:
ABCBDEED
The truth is in the gospels -
How God lived here as man.
I marvel at the miracles
Jesus did back then.
That He still lives is certain
I just look around -
All the proof I need
Is in what I see
Jesus doing now.
 

Section B
ABCBDDDD….this rhyme scheme is different than the other B section
V2
Rhyme scheme:
I see broken hearts mended
I see hope restored,
I’ve seen lives transformed
When they’ve turned to the Lord.
I see comfort for the grieving -
Light breaking through somehow.
As grace abounds
That’s what I’ve found
Jesus doing now.
 

Section A
V3
Rhyme scheme:
ABCBDEED
James told the early Christians
Without works faith is dead.
Your blessing will not feed a man
When he begs for bread.
The church began the mission
And they’ve shown others how
I cannot deny
All the things that I
See Jesus doing now.
 
Section B

V4
Rhyme scheme: ABCBDEED
I see mission trips taken
I see gifts of food
I see Christ in action
God’s people doing good.
I see shelter for the homeless
More need than time allows
I can see
So much we need
Jesus doing now.


(Final NOTE: Ed, actually since you ended all four verses with nearly identical words…and the rhyme scheme is nearly the same, the meter is nearly the same…..you may want to consider using same melody for all four sections as AAAA) 

So here are some AAAAs andit is my assessment that your song could work better in this form.....

1.      "Old MacDonald" (Traditional)
2.      "Mary Had a Little Lamb" (Traditional)
Other examples of the song form include:
1.      "Amazing Grace" (Traditional)
2.      "Maggie May" (Rod Stewart, 1971)
3.      "Blowin' In The Wind" (Bob Dylan, 1962)
4.      "By The Time I Get To Phoenix" (Glen Campbell, 1967)
5.      "Gentle On My Mind" (Glen Campbell, 1968)
6.      "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" (Gordon Lightfoot, 1976)
7.      "I Walk the Line" (Johnny Cash, 1956)
8.      “The Rose” (Bette Midler, 1979, Amanda McBroom)
9.      "The Times They Are A Changin’" (Bob Dylan, 1965)
10.  "Bridge Over Troubled Water" (Simon and Garfunkel, 1969, by Paul Simon)
11.  "Scarborough Fair" (Simon and Garfunkel, Traditional)
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#3
Neil,
Thank you for your detailed comments. I think, though, that my problem is not so much with the rhyme schemes or even form. It is something more basic than that. I cannot put my finger on it but it may be in finding the lyrics' "voice".
The original beginning and approach was more aggressive and adversarial...First line was "I don't debate the gospels" and was more about 'I don't care so much about what happened back then...what I care about, what moves me, is what Jesus is doing now.'... but that did not feel right and even in this form it still does not.
Maybe this is just one to put in the folder for review at a future time when maybe new inspiration will strike.
Thank you again for caring,
Ed
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