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Lifeline (Lyrics Only)
#1
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#2
Hello Stella,
I like the metaphor that you have written this song in. I think some tightening up here and there will happen as you fit a melody into the equation. Here is something that came to mind as I was reading through it. This is just food for thought;
Verse 1:
I knew for all time 5
You wouldn't leave my side 6
I was sinking deep 5
In the dark rising tides 6
You lifted me out 5
Rebuked the wind and waves 6
Then I saw your face 5
I'll never be the same 6

I didn't alter much and tried to give an even syllable count as well as keep the same tense between verses. Remember these were just some suggestions that you can do with as you please. Thanks for posting this song, God bless!
Jordan
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#3
Stella,
I really like this lyric. A very good start and I think it would go well with music with a little work.  As Jordan mentioned, there is a bit of inconsistency in the verses.  Although syllable count is important, stressed syllables and where the stressed syllables fall is what's real important.  You want those to be the same for the verses to give the melody flow without the lyrics sounding forced.  Always try to keep the natural shape of the language in your lyrics. In other words, the same stressed syllables as if you were speaking. For instance, check out the first line of verses one and two.

-      /     -    -     /         (/ represents stressed syllable)
I knew before time

 /      -        -     /     -
You were the anchor

Although the syllable count is the same, where the stressed syllables fall don't match.  I'm not saying it can't be done, but stuff like that is what makes a good song a much better song.


Keep at it. Your lyrics paint a very good picture.
Tony
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#4
(02-12-2016, 08:03 AM)JordanC Wrote: Hello Stella,
 I like the metaphor that you have written this song in. I think some tightening up here and there will happen as you fit a melody into the equation. Here is something that came to mind as I was reading through it. This is just food for thought;
Verse 1:
I knew for all time   5
You wouldn't leave my side   6
I was sinking deep   5
In the dark rising tides   6
You lifted me out   5
Rebuked the wind and waves  6
Then I saw your face 5
I'll never be the same   6

  I didn't alter much and tried to give an even syllable count as well as keep the same tense between verses. Remember these were just some suggestions that you can do with as you please. Thanks for posting this song, God bless!
Jordan

Hi Jordan, it helps to see from another persons perspective, you know, when you're stuck, you know what you're trying to get across, and can't figure out how to put words in a different way! 'I knew for all time' 'in the dark rising tides' are such better lines, you've helped, thankyou!
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#5
(02-12-2016, 10:57 AM)tpistilli Wrote: Stella,
I really like this lyric. A very good start and I think it would go well with music with a little work.  As Jordan mentioned, there is a bit of inconsistency in the verses.  Although syllable count is important, stressed syllables and where the stressed syllables fall is what's real important.  You want those to be the same for the verses to give the melody flow without the lyrics sounding forced.  Always try to keep the natural shape of the language in your lyrics. In other words, the same stressed syllables as if you were speaking. For instance, check out the first line of verses one and two.

-      /     -    -     /         (/ represents stressed syllable)
I knew before time

 /      -        -     /     -
You were the anchor

Although the syllable count is the same, where the stressed syllables fall don't match.  I'm not saying it can't be done, but stuff like that is what makes a good song a much better song.


Keep at it. Your lyrics paint a very good picture.
Tony
Thanks Tony, i don't do stressed syllables, i just know what i want to write :-D I will try and keep it in mind! Stressed syllables, is it magic? I must google it. Is it like the C Am F G guitar chords...? They reckon you can't write a rubbish song with those chords lol
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#6
(02-12-2016, 03:51 PM)Stella Wrote: Thanks Tony, i don't do stressed syllables, i just know what i want to write :-D I will try and keep it in mind! Stressed syllables, is it magic? I must google it. Is it like the C Am F G guitar chords...? They reckon you can't write a rubbish song with those chords lol

Ha ha....no magic...if it were, I would be writing better lyrics than I currently am.  Just some things I picked up from some very good and successful lyricists. There are no rules, but I've found that it becomes much easier for a singer to flow with the lyrics when stressed syllables match or come closer to matching.  Like any other critique or opinion, feel free to take it or leave it.  Wink Have a good one.
Tony
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#7
(02-12-2016, 03:51 PM)Stella Wrote: Thanks Tony, i don't do stressed syllables, i just know what i want to write :-D I will try and keep it in mind! Stressed syllables, is it magic? I must google it. Is it like the C Am F G guitar chords...? They reckon you can't write a rubbish song with those chords lol

Here is an article that may be helpful:

http://forums.songstuff.com/blogs/entry/...ess-right/
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#8
(02-12-2016, 08:52 PM)damp hamster Wrote:
(02-12-2016, 03:51 PM)Stella Wrote: Thanks Tony, i don't do stressed syllables, i just know what i want to write :-D I will try and keep it in mind! Stressed syllables, is it magic? I must google it. Is it like the C Am F G guitar chords...? They reckon you can't write a rubbish song with those chords lol

Here is an article that may be helpful:

http://forums.songstuff.com/blogs/entry/...ess-right/

Gary knows his stuff! Any lyric he critiques will be much better if his advice is followed in my opinion!  Google Pat Pattison for books and youtube.
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#9
(02-12-2016, 03:45 PM)Stella Wrote:
(02-12-2016, 08:03 AM)JordanC Wrote: Hello Stella,
 I like the metaphor that you have written this song in. I think some tightening up here and there will happen as you fit a melody into the equation. Here is something that came to mind as I was reading through it. This is just food for thought;
Verse 1:
I knew for all time   5
You wouldn't leave my side   6
I was sinking deep   5
In the dark rising tides   6
You lifted me out   5
Rebuked the wind and waves  6
Then I saw your face 5
I'll never be the same   6

  I didn't alter much and tried to give an even syllable count as well as keep the same tense between verses. Remember these were just some suggestions that you can do with as you please. Thanks for posting this song, God bless!
Jordan

Hi Jordan, it helps to see from another persons perspective, you know, when you're stuck, you know what you're trying to get across, and can't figure out how to put words in a different way! 'I knew for all time' 'in the dark rising tides' are such better lines, you've helped, thankyou!
You're more than welcome! What I've been realizing about this site is the valuable insight from the members of this site. The more you participate the more you'll learn ways to hone your craft. Talk to you later. Blessings!
Jordan
"A healthy Spiritual walk with God leads you down a Natural Path of worship."
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#10
(02-11-2016, 03:05 PM)You have some good ideas and word pictures, but there may need to be some trimming and editing so that this song can really soar.  See comments in brackets below.Peter Stella Wrote: Hi guys, i recently wrote this. Any feedback will be muchly appreciated. I have a rough idea of how i want it to sound, hopefully i'll get round to sitting with my guitar, soon! 

Lifeline

Verse 1
I knew before time [How did you know before time?...it almost sounds like your saying before time was created you knew the singee wouldn't leave your side.  Maybe "Feels I always knew", or "Like salt and the sea/I knew You'd never leave"....or something along those lines.]
You wouldn't leave my side
I was sinking deep
When the tides collided
You lifted me out
Rebuked the winds and the waves
I saw your face 
I'll never be the same [Maybe, "Now I'm forever changed" or "Now I am not the same"]


Chorus
You were my lifeline [Your hook doesn't really stand out and gets lost with competing ideas in the chorus.  If someone were to hear this song without seeing the lyric sheet, I think I'm still holding on is what they would think the title of your song is.  You could change the title to I'm still holding on.  Are end the chorus with "You are/were my lifeline" or maybe "My lifeline, my lifeline, I'm still holding on" or something similar.]
My channel of hope
You gave me shelter
In the eye of the storm
You were the light
In the depths of darkness
You let me see you
You let me see you
And i'm still holding on

Verse 2
You were the anchor
That my spirit needed 
Unwavering in [Maybe "Holding steadfast in"]
The swell of the sea
You were my lifeguard [If we are sticking with Lifeline for your hook, I don't like lifeguard here.  I would either go "You were my Lifeline" or "You were my Rescue" or "You were Saving Grace", etc.]
You walked across the water
Gave me your hand
I'm not going under [You switched from past-tense to present-tense here. Maybe "I didn't go under" or "You saved me, my Savior"]

Bridge
Now I float on calm waters  [Personally, I think the bridge is too long, I would probably cut it down to about 4 lines.  Also float and carry seem to contradict each other.  May look at rewriting the bridge so there is more of a overall cohesion there.]
You carry me you carry me
Like a small boat at sea
You guide me you steer me
Safely to land with your hands
You carry me you carry me
Safe from the storm now i am free

Chorus
You are my lifeline
My channel of hope
You give me shelter
In the eye of the storm
You are the light
In the depths of darkness
You let me see you
You let me see you
And i'm still holding on
And i'm still holding on
And i'm still holding on
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