Scandalous Grace Band

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Damaged
#1
I thought since I was commenting on some lyrics that were obscure to me - hey I ought to present my own sins for a similar review.  This is intentionally low key, but I don't want it so low key as to be a mystery to the listener.  I am prepared for my comeuppance (do people still say that?) All crits welcome, bring it Smile

Damaged, Greg Ball,  Copyright © 2017 All Rights Reserved ISMN 979-0-58052-000-5


Crashing!

on a rough stone shoreline
waves so clear and cold they hurt
Running
their fluid fingers over faults
packed tightly like clay rings of armor

Some felt panic
Some felt not at all
Could those fragile seals start moving?
Some were praying
Some were losing hope
We jump at the first thunder stirring

DAMAGED hearts
Broken spires
Powerless to let go
Raise your face
and drink the sky
Taste the love in the storm.

Honest?
Know you made some choices
whatever stories that were told
Fortress!
You built these curtain walls long ago
but live water slips your defenses

Some felt panic
Some felt not at all
Could those fragile seals start moving?
Some were praying
Some were losing hope
We jump at the first thunder stirring

DAMAGED hearts
Broken spires
Powerless to let go
Raise your face
and drink the sky
Taste the love in the storm.

DAMAGED hearts
bathed in light
see the freedom of the LORD!
Raise your face
and drink the sky
Taste the love in the storm
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#2
Greg. The short one syllable words really pack a punch. Some nice imagery in this. I feel it's a bit too poetic though and could use a revision to turn it more into a lyric. A few lines are also a bit cryptic and could use a bit of 'unpacking'.

The addition of perfect rhyme would also boost it's memorability.

My 2 cents.

Keep at 'er.

Best,
Anthony
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#3
Thanks Anthony!  I agree with your criticisms - mostly anyway.  Sometimes I think that "perfect rhyme" is an unfortunate name.  Or at least, I'm not convinced that they are always best, and there are so many other colors of rhymes to play with and ways to bring attention to parts of the lyrics other than the last word. Smile  That doesn't mean I'm dismissing what you're saying about them though - I'm just playing other word/melody games with the paired "Some felt..." and "Some were"  and shifting/stirring.  

I surely agree about needing revision, cryptic and unpacking.  I made some edits. Is that better?  Understanding was my main goal in testing the waters with the lyric alone.   Your comment about poetic seems right on - but I'd like to ask again after you've had a chance to hear it in musical context.  The track I already have done (as a rough anyway) but the vocalist needs like, oh, a year of work. Smile  I think I need to man up though to at least let you hear it.  IF IF IF (maybe) the lyrics and music may have a way of working out together.

Subject wise, the intent is to be very broad in talking about secret sin, or being the victim of secret sin, or otherwise being stuck from the kind of hurt life can deal or that we deal to ourselves. To be very transparent, its my answer to some tragic people I see near to my own life, where its not possible to speak to them directly and I think discretion is needed to be able to plant any kind of seed at all.  

I'm not at all certain it will work yet, so please stay blunt and honest with me!

Greg
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#4
Hey bro. Is the edited version on top? Could I suggest (as a former mod) that you put Edit 1, Edit 2 etc if you are not going to put the revised version in a new post?

So....I can't really see much difference. Sorry. Still some lines that are a bit cryptic. If you are aiming at a quasi 'Sounds of Silence' then it might still be a bit cryptic. If you are aiming at a 'Monster Hospital' then it probably doesn't matter. For the latter you will need a killer sound to capture your audience.

Re perfect rhyme: did you know that research showed that people believe a perfect rhyme to be more true than near rhyme? Again, it depends on what you are aiming for.

Best,
A.
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#5
Fair enough, changes now up top in read. And don't be sorry. Essentially these edits are meant to stay in the "key" of stone/fortress/water/storm which I hope will help one line to inform another a little better, or at least keep a consistent picture.

Style... the best description I can think of is "dark airy cinematic cue" in F minor. It uses a couple of Persian acoustic instruments and piano with a basic modern rhythm section. Some use of electronic effects in a places, but not it is not heavily layered. Want to see the score?

Re: Perfect Rhymes. I hope the research isn't true. It doesn't pass the reasonable-ness test for me, but then neither does most American Politics, sigh. At least - it helps me understand T.S. Elliott a little better where he said that he wrote for the sake of art (he actually said language) and not necessarily for the popular audience of the day. I still think it was pretty arrogant of him, but maybe I get some of his frustration?
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#6
Greg I like it. Question: what are you referring to here: 'Could those fragile seals start moving?' Are those living seals...eg animals?

Overall, I like it. It may actually be a quasi-lyric (half lyric, half poem). Doesn't mean it is not valid. Would love to hear it with music now. No need to send the score, but if you need a trumpet added, I'm your man.

Best, in Him,

A
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