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Worship song from unsigned artist
#1
“Dwell”
Songwriter: Terrance McCoy

https://app.box.com/s/fo222a8j824rnfeombyez855pf8x740i

Verse 1:

There is now no condemnation
God, You've got all my allegiance
I have proven - I cannot  do it - on my own
There is power in Your presence
When You walk in, I am breathless
You take over 
I am overwhelmed with who You are


Pre-Chorus

I’m trusting You, my God with ev’rything


Chorus:

I just wantcha to ….Dwell in me
I really wantcha to ….Dwell,
forever in me
In my thoughts, in my words, in my moves
I want it to be You
I want You
I wantcha to ….Dwell


 Verse 2:

When You lead me in tomorrow
If we dance or endure sorrow
I am trusting - all of Your ways
Ev’ry single day


Bridge:

Wontcha come and…. breath in me
Wontcha come and…. breath in me
Wontcha be a….-alive in me
Wontcha be a….-alive in me
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#2
Sounds good - great chorus! I feel V1 could be better unified lyrically by focusing on only one of the two themes currently represented.
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#3
What a great song. As I close my eyes I can feel the Lord dwelling in me. I haven't been so touched by a song in quite a while, but this one does... Praise God!!
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#4
TM some nice things going on here. You're a talented guy. Some thoughts on improvement:

1. What is the structure of your song...eg. 2, 4, 8 bar phrases etc? I don't hear one.

2. I don't see a consistent rhyme scheme or much perfect rhyme.

3. Is vs 1 longer than vs 2?

All these items are important if you want a song that others can/will sing and if you want it to endure the test of time.

Keep at 'er.

Best,
Anthony
Learn How to Write Lyrics Like the Legends
Get my eBook Now and Improve Your Lyrics
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#5
(10-23-2017, 10:53 PM)tgmsings Wrote: “Dwell”
Songwriter: Terrance McCoy

https://app.box.com/s/fo222a8j824rnfeombyez855pf8x740i

Verse 1:

There is now no condemnation
God, You've got all my allegiance
I have proven - I cannot  do it - on my own
There is power in Your presence
When You walk in, I am breathless
You take over 
I am overwhelmed with who You are


Pre-Chorus

I’m trusting You, my God with ev’rything


Chorus:

I just wantcha to ….Dwell in me
I really wantcha to ….Dwell,
forever in me
In my thoughts, in my words, in my moves
I want it to be You
I want You
I wantcha to ….Dwell


 Verse 2:

When You lead me in tomorrow
If we dance or endure sorrow
I am trusting - all of Your ways
Ev’ry single day


Bridge:

Wontcha come and…. breath in me
Wontcha come and…. breath in me
Wontcha be a….-alive in me
Wontcha be a….-alive in me



Nice work ... did you do all this in a home studio ?
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#6
(12-23-2017, 09:29 AM)Tracy Malloy Wrote:
(10-23-2017, 10:53 PM)tgmsings Wrote: “Dwell”
Songwriter: Terrance McCoy

https://app.box.com/s/fo222a8j824rnfeombyez855pf8x740i

Verse 1:

There is now no condemnation
God, You've got all my allegiance
I have proven - I cannot  do it - on my own
There is power in Your presence
When You walk in, I am breathless
You take over 
I am overwhelmed with who You are


Pre-Chorus

I’m trusting You, my God with ev’rything


Chorus:

I just wantcha to ….Dwell in me
I really wantcha to ….Dwell,
forever in me
In my thoughts, in my words, in my moves
I want it to be You
I want You
I wantcha to ….Dwell


 Verse 2:

When You lead me in tomorrow
If we dance or endure sorrow
I am trusting - all of Your ways
Ev’ry single day


Bridge:

Wontcha come and…. breath in me
Wontcha come and…. breath in me
Wontcha be a….-alive in me
Wontcha be a….-alive in me
Reply
#7
Dear Terrance:

    The vast majority of all worship songwriters and the vast majority of sincere worship songwriter teachers all make the same errors so their music never becomes popular. They need to have approximately six or more tones of a major or minor scale along with three consecutive notes of a scale many times in the song. Your opening line alternates between two notes in the vocals for a few bars with a pattern like this many times in the song. You have portions of the song in the vocals where you do have six notes of a scale in the vocals along with three consecutive notes of a scale in the vocals but you don't use that pattern enough. You need to do that many times and all throughout the song. All the great hymn writers and songwriters going back to Martin Luther or the early days of Bill Gaither for more modern gospel music use this pattern. Anyone who does not use the pattern has an unpopular song including those who already have another popular song. Charles Wesley wrote thousands of hymns that have fallen by the wayside but it is immediately obvious to me why there is this small handful of Charles Wesley songs like, "Hark The Herald Angels Sing" and a few others that have endured the test of time because they use this musical pattern of six notes and three notes.
    Regarding your lyrics, you may want to consider quotations from bible verses or choose words that immediately cause most people knowledgeable about the bible to think of a specific bible verse or bible concept. Take the example of what people think of when they hear the phrase, "Lamb of God." This immediately causes people to think of bible verses such as Psalm 23 or themes and quotations in the gospels. Think of the song, "As The Deer Pants," from the 1980's and its vast popularity. It quotes Psalm 42, has bible or ecclesiastical concepts, has the six notes, the three notes, and the flow of the song is smooth rather than awkward. To me its one of the top ten modern gospel songs. Bible quotations are better than our words because Heb 4:12 says the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword. It penetrates the heart. God Bless.
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#8
Terrance,

Similar to Tracey's "you may want to consider quotations from bible verses or choose words that immediately cause most people knowledgeable about the bible to think of a specific bible verse or bible concept", I was wondering about people thinking Scripture with "dwell in me", so I looked this phrase up in Bible Gateway. With a word like "dwell", I thought that I might see some places, but not really. If I did, I'd expect to be a lot more impressed.

Howsomever, if and when your worship song becomes well known, who knows?
From death he did rise and will come again.
Move on with him now to be ready for then.
the gruvster
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#9
Tracy, patterns are important, I agree, as the brain needs them to hold on to words and music. We could call these 'blocks'. However, I would not restrict it to a certain pattern of tones and semi-tones. The point is to repeat whatever pattern(s) you have in your song. There really is no limit on the patterns you could have.

Best,
Anthony
Learn How to Write Lyrics Like the Legends
Get my eBook Now and Improve Your Lyrics
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#10
Tell you what, that sounds pretty smooth, pretty good to these ears.
Good Work!
Ken
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