Beaglesound

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Are parodies okay?
#1
Quote: Please do not use material which is copyrighted by someone else without a license (i.e.; no covers without a mechanical license - if you do a cover, put the mechanical license number in the post).
SO PERSONAL TODAY

Thy word is so personal today  
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.

When I talk in school
The kids don’t think I’m cool.
So, my words deny Thee.
Oh, I love my cell.
My party line was hell.
Please don’t be untimely.

Thy word is so personal today  
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.

I am not a freak
Nor speaketh like a geek,
Please give me some enlightening.
Please Thou be my guide
Thy word not put aside.
 
Guide me all the day.
Not my will doth I pray.
So more like Thou I will become.

Thy word is so personal today  
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.

Nothing shalt I fear
As long as Thou art near;
Be Thou near me to the end.

Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
You’re so personal today.
From death he did rise and will come again.
Move on with him now to be ready for then.
the gruvster
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#2
(10-22-2017, 03:38 AM)gruvEdude Wrote:
Quote: Please do not use material which is copyrighted by someone else without a license (i.e.; no covers without a mechanical license - if you do a cover, put the mechanical license number in the post).
SO PERSONAL TODAY

Thy word is so personal today  
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.

When I talk in school
The kids don’t think I’m cool.
So, my words deny Thee.
Oh, I love my cell.
My party line was hell.
Please don’t be untimely.

Thy word is so personal today  
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.

I am not a freak
Nor speaketh like a geek,
Please give me some enlightening.
Please Thou be my guide
Thy word not put aside.
 
Guide me all the day.
Not my will doth I pray.
So more like Thou I will become.

Thy word is so personal today  
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.

Nothing shalt I fear
As long as Thou art near;
Be Thou near me to the end.

Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Thy word is so personal today
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
Not a thorn unto my tongue.
You’re so personal today.

Hi Gruv,

I had a little trouble following this one....It may be just me, but I think removing / replacing archaic words with modern words would be a place to start. "Thy and Thou" etc.  Then the hook, "You're so personal today" might be better as a word picture, such as you are "closer than my heart".... or something similar that puts a picture in listener's mind.   Keep or sweep!
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#3
Thanks bunches for the crit!

These lyrics were written with someone confident that, feigning being religious, KJV words are personal for them. The ending of "You're so personal today" contradicted this, and showed what is really personal.
From death he did rise and will come again.
Move on with him now to be ready for then.
the gruvster
Reply
#4
FWIW I don't really understand it either, even with the extra explanation. Could be a CPU error on my end though. Smile. I mean for example that I get this part:

(Got this part)
When I talk in school
The kids don’t think I’m cool.
So, my words deny Thee.

(Got this part, but kinda disconnected from the lines above)
Oh, I love my cell.

(Err, maybe? You partied? You shared a lot on social media, you listened to bad influences? Change of tense is confusing to me too)
My party line was hell.

(I'm lost here, I don't understand the connection)
Please don’t be untimely.

The more I think about it, I think I get what you are saying. You mean that you want guidance quickly? And you are okay with the King James Version (But I got that only after your explanation.)

Verily I say unto, this doth be thy song and though mayest ignore my words as vanity. Smile But sometimes I kick myself when I'm responding to critique of my own songs, when I write an explanation and then ask myself, well why didn't I just say that in the song it the first place?. I would have liked a first verse that came out and said something like:

I grew up with the King James
with it's thee's and thou's and verily's
You may think it strange today
But it sounds personal and relevant to me

Then I think, I'd have the context to follow some of the rest of what you are saying.I'd definitely get your intent then of:

When I talk in school
The kids don’t think I’m cool.
So, my words deny Thee.

But I don't think I'd shift gears to cell phones here, I think I'd stay with your topic and resolve the situation in the three lines above. What do you do? You repent? You elaborate on the situation of what you did or what you meant? You explain what you did next? etc. Maybe something like:

When I talk in school
The kids don’t think I’m cool.
So, my words denied Thee.
I no longer said my lunchtime prayer
though it burned inside me

JMO, not saying its great writing on my part.

Greg
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#5
Here is a challenge: write another version of this song geared more to audience comprehension. This is your baby and you like it as is but we, the great unwashed, are not "getting" what you intend us to understand in this iteration. So, a version for you... and another for the rest of us?
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#6
Per Beagle's excellent description of parodies, http://forum.christiansongwriters.org/sh...51#pid5051, I think it best if I stay away from parodies for now. I am humorous at work, but do not think that what I've written here nor elsewhere lyrically is all that funny.
From death he did rise and will come again.
Move on with him now to be ready for then.
the gruvster
Reply


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