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Lord to You This Day
#1
Lord to you this day I reckon
Lord to you this hour I kneel
Lord to you let my soul beckon
Make my love for you be real
 
Though I flee to empty places
Fearing I may not belong
Draw me Lord to your embraces
Make my love for you grow strong
 
Chorus
In time each soul goes wondering
By old temptations surely drawn
To dream the love of Jesus Christ
Was ever turned away and gone
From sleep O Soul awake, awake!
Remember his heavenly song
His mercies arise with each new morning
To make our love for him grow strong
To make our love for him grow strong
 
Thank you Lord for the love you give me
Even when I've turned away
Thank you Lord when you forgive me
Though again my heart will stray
 
For Grace that every soul amazes
And hearts you cleanse for holy love
Raise us Lord to sing you praises
Now and when we meet above

Chorus
In time each soul goes wondering
By old temptations surely drawn
To dream the love of Jesus Christ
Was ever turned away and gone
From sleep O Soul awake, awake!
Remember his heavenly song
His mercies arise with each new morning
To make our love for him grow strong
To make our love for him grow strong

Jim Darlington - 8/3/17
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#2
Hi Jim,

I am wondering if the hook you have is right for your verses.  Your verses could improve a build-up  toward your chorus by limiting the lyrics in the verses to words that speak specifically to your hook... Lord to You This Day.

Also I am noting some meter issues in the verses.  Good song idea.

Neil
Reply
#3
Thanks Neil,
My critique (sorta) of your critique...Well, not really...how could you know how clueless I am. Yes, here and there the meter clunks although in some cases two half beats would match a full. I'm starting to get that. Some earlier efforts rightly got tagged as more free form poetry than possible lyrics. So, flat out dumb question...what do people mean by "hook"? I think I'm getting it in context but if you'd spell it out like to a first grader...?

OK so I'm going to chew up my stuff and look at it in light of your thoughts....


Lord to you this day I reckon
Lord to you this hour I kneel
Lord to you let my soul beckon
Make my love for you be real...................I'm confessing the day is of his making and bowing to that...asking Him to make me honest, not a pretender
                                                         ...the beat on the third line should be "Lord to you my soul must beckon" or the emphasis falls on "my" but
                                                            that still doesn't quite ring right yet.


Though I flee to empty places
Fearing I may not belong
Draw me Lord to your embraces
Make my love for you grow strong.............What weak fool runs from prayerful communion with his Savior...God's love within us for the asking
                                                              I'm good with the rhythm and words here.
Chorus
In time each soul goes wondering
By old temptations surely drawn
To dream the love of Jesus Christ
Was ever turned away and gone
From sleep O Soul awake, awake!
Remember his heavenly song
His mercies arise with each new morning
To make our love for him grow strong
To make our love for him grow strong........This is what we myself and I do .. I know I'm not alone here...not the only one appalled at my personal
                                                             sin collection...Humanly lacking divine compassion, we can't forgive without the Holy Spirit's filling...We
                                                              can't get it alone, can't do it alone, can't give or receive forgiveness...without His mercy....the fourth
                                                              line here is especially open to suggestions, but the others too.


Thank you Lord for the love you give me.....[delete "Lord" for the right beat .. no meaning lost]
Even when I've turned away
Thank you Lord when you forgive me
Though again my heart will stray............ The fourth line again doesn't satisfy yet..."Even though I go astray" is only a little better
 
For Grace that every soul amazes
And hearts you cleanse for holy love ...... [delete "for"...use "with" instead]
Raise us Lord to sing you praises
Now and when we meet above

Chorus


Sorry, but I'm still on the dense end of getting the hook issue. Your insights ARE appreciated!
I do think this needs another verse before each chorus even though people have been telling wayyyyy too long on other efforts. Hmmmmm...
Reply
#4
http://www.songstuff.com/song-writing/ar...ong_hooks/
Pretty good one among a ton out there to google. Note to self: Google first then ask.
_________________________________________________________________________
What Do I Say When  I Pray?

Lord to you in hope I pray
For truth unbroken as I kneel
Do not let me pretend today
But know my love for you is real

A fool, my soul goes wondering
Dreading most the terrible cost
Dreaming that the love of Christ
Would turn an eye from one sheep lost

Though I search an empty place
In fear you'll judge that I'm not yours
O draw me Lord to your embrace
And lead my soul to heaven's doors

Chorus
Let us leave old dreams behind
Lead us as the soul awakes
Brand your cross across the mind
And show us as the new day breaks
Mercy's great reality
Like the gentle morning dew
The blood and tears on Calvary
That sang of Jesus rising new

I fail to grasp the life you give
So oft in fear I've turned away
My thanks O Lord that you forgive
The thousand times I veared astray

From sleep O soul awake, awake!
Remember clear the Lord's new song
His mercies rise with each new day
To bid our love for him grow strong

The soul at Grace unearned amazed
At hearts ashamed prepared for love
Let Jesus' joy be ever praised
In Glory when we'll meet above

Chorus
Let me leave old dreams behind
Lead me as this soul awakes
Brand your cross across this mind
And show me as the new day breaks
Mercy's sweet reality
Like the gentle morning dew
Like blood and tears on Calvary
That sang of Jesus rising new
Reply
#5
(08-05-2017, 04:46 PM)jimdarlington Wrote: http://www.songstuff.com/song-writing/ar...ong_hooks/
Pretty good one among a ton out there to google. Note to self: Google first then ask.
_________________________________________________________________________
What Do I Say When  I Pray?

Lord to you in hope I pray
For truth unbroken as I kneel
Do not let me pretend today
But know my love for you is real

A fool, my soul goes wondering
Dreading most the terrible cost
Dreaming that the love of Christ
Would turn an eye from one sheep lost

Though I search an empty place
In fear you'll judge that I'm not yours
O draw me Lord to your embrace
And lead my soul to heaven's doors

Chorus
Let us leave old dreams behind
Lead us as the soul awakes
Brand your cross across the mind
And show us as the new day breaks
Mercy's great reality
Like the gentle morning dew
The blood and tears on Calvary
That sang of Jesus rising new

I fail to grasp the life you give
So oft in fear I've turned away
My thanks O Lord that you forgive
The thousand times I veared astray

From sleep O soul awake, awake!
Remember clear the Lord's new song
His mercies rise with each new day
To bid our love for him grow strong

The soul at Grace unearned amazed
At hearts ashamed prepared for love
Let Jesus' joy be ever praised
In Glory when we'll meet above

Chorus
Let me leave old dreams behind
Lead me as this soul awakes
Brand your cross across this mind
And show me as the new day breaks
Mercy's sweet reality
Like the gentle morning dew
Like blood and tears on Calvary
That sang of Jesus rising new

Hi Jim,

Others may disagree, but here's my thoughts...

I think you have several song ideas here ...the one main idea I am getting is a one-on-one prayer to sing as you start out each day.

So one-on-one means First Person..You to God...thus removing all the we's and us'es....and since you are praying to God so you eliminate all the "O my soul's, let us'es, etc that are not first person.

(My thoughts....If you like prayer-type songs I assume you will be ideal as a Praise and Worship writer.....Elevation Worship, Hillsong, Christ Tomlin, etc.   (but you'll have to remove lots of text.  Its easy to write a long song with many verses and multiple different choruses but hard to use the fewest words possible to make the same point.)

Then I would restructure as a few simple  4 / 8 Line verses that explain some main point, "or memorable hook" that is repeated in your 8 line chorus multiple times and is likely your song title...here are some possibilities I see from your song....likely in a VCVCBC style..


"Leave My Dreams Behind"
"As the New Day Breaks"


Here's a book by Sheila Davis that is pretty good from the few training courses I have attended...

https://www.amazon.com/Craft-Lyric-Writi...0898791499


God bless, and keep writing!   Neil
Reply
#6
Not to the Eye that Sees
                                                                  
1.                                                              
Lord to you in hope we pray                     xoxoxox
Truth unbroken here we kneel                  xoxoxox
Don't let us pretend today                        xoxoxox
Make our love for you be real                   xoxoxox

Blind, a soul goes wondering                    xoxoxox
Never mind how high the cost                  xoxoxox
Tempting, gravely plundering                  xoxoxox
Jesus' love for one sheep lost                   xoxoxox

Chorus 1
"Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God"   oxoxoxox
His first of many lessons taught.               oxoxoxox
His Spirit's strength, our holiness,            oxoxoxox
Has His Salvation dearly bought.               oxoxoxox
Lie not to the Eye that sees.                                                         

2.                                                                
Though we search some empty place         xoxoxox
Scared you'll judge that we're not yours     xoxoxox    
Draw us Lord to your embrace                  xoxoxox
And lead these souls to heaven's doors      xoxoxox

Help us leave cold dreams behind             xoxoxox
Lead us as the soul awakes                      xoxoxox
Brand your cross across the mind              xoxoxox 
And show us as the new day breaks          xoxoxox    

Chorus 2
He did not die that we might sin                 oxoxoxox                                                          
To dance in vain forgiveness claimed          oxoxoxox                                              
To sin no more, without, within,                 oxoxoxox                                         
The cross the measure, else ashamed         oxoxoxox
We cannot blind the Eye that sees.             oxoxoxox
 
3.                                                               
This is Love's reality                                 xoxoxox
Like the gentle morning dew                     xoxoxox
Yet tears and blood soak Calvary               ixoxoxox
To sing of Jesus rising new                       xoxoxox
                                                             
How to grasp the love you give                 xoxoxox
In fear so oft we turn astray                     xoxoxox
Thanks O Lord that you forgive                 xoxoxox
A thousand times we push away               ixoxoxox

Chorus 1 (repeated)
"Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God"    oxoxoxox                                               
His first of many lessons taught.                oxoxoxox                                                     
His Spirit's strength, your holiness,             oxoxoxox                                            
Has His Salvation dearly bought.                oxoxoxox                                                                              
We can't deceive the Eye that sees.           oxoxoxox        

4.                                                          
Sleeping soul awake, awake!                     xoxoxox
Answer clear the Lord's new song              xoxoxox
Mercies rising new each day                      xoxoxox
All to make our love grow strong                xoxoxox

Souls at Grace unearned, amazed              xoxoxox
Hearts ashamed, prepared for love             xoxoxox
Let Jesus' joy be ever praised                    xoxoxox
In Glory when we'll meet above                 xoxoxox

Chorus 2 (repeated)
He did not die that we might sin               oxoxoxox                                                          
To dance in vain forgiveness claimed        oxoxoxox                                               
To sin no more, without, within,               oxoxoxox                                          
The cross the measure, else ashamed       oxoxoxox                                               
Lie not to the Eye that sees.       

Jim Darlington
8/6/2017

Maybe I should make a new post, as this has so little of the first try, but it's just one thing growing out of the last.
No, those aren't hugs and kisses (unless you want them to be : ). Here's the interesting thing. As I try to discipline the lyrics, somehow rhythmically, I end up looking more for what words may sound right. That got so obvious I had to look harder at what it was I really wanted the song to say.
I should write a song about this but where would I start?
In High School (in 1969, B.C.) I went along with an effete gaggle of very intellectual Jesus mockers to a Billy Graham Crusade in Madison Square Garden. Green money came sailing past us by the KFC bucket load, and our judgment about what was really going on was confirmed (surely), and then, just for chuckles, we went down on the floor to answer the alter call. Having repeated whatever, after Billy, we were swept into a side hall where hundreds of chairs were set up in pairs, one for the "new Christian" and one for a counselor, among those who'd come in by the bus-load to help.
I made what I thought was a false confession of faith, peeking, as in a giggle, at a comrade to my left, while falling to my knees, "confessing Christ", and seeming to weep, glancing up at the earnest young man, to my right, who was asking for my life's commitment. Either way there were tears in my eyes and I was famous among my cynical peers, for a day or two.
Twenty seven sinful years later, Grace slammed my arrogance into the mud, and I made a leap of faith that changed everything. There wasn't an audience. I cried my heart out to Jesus in a cow field.
The point is, I guess, that I remain a doubter of words, including my own.
I feel this lyric may still be too harsh, but I know that I know, etc., that the deceit of this world is unlimited, and our capacity to be deceived, and to deceive others in turn, is the darkest cloud under which we seek our way.
How could someone manage to succeed to sing sweetly and tenderly: "Hey! Run for your life and your soul, from anyone who tells you a quick recitation and trail of flippant apologies, to a God you ignore, will save you (and make you fit to tithe here)" (And if they tell you there's a bit more to it, you may have found a good church). Sigh.....What I believe the Gospel teaches (and not what a zillion denominations split silly hairs over)...Yes, we are saved by faith and not by our works, and even the faith is a gift and not of our own noble making. But we ARE called to works...they just are not OUR works. They are God's works, and Jesus' works, and the Holy Spirit's works, done through us. The Spirit will confirm our place in eternity, if we listen, not some perfectly spun dogma. If we yield in obedience, ever so slightly, may the floodgates open to genuine Godly service...
Reply
#7
Hey Neil,
What? Too many words? Me? ... To borrow the wisdom of a good Jewish friend...."Oy!"
Just saw a kinda sorta OK movie called "Their Finest". A woman writing a movie's dialogue is told by the editor, "Cut it in half!" And she say, "Which half?" and he says, "The half that isn't needed!" A line from an otherwise pretty forgettable movie that will probably stick in my brain like some annoying 50's-60's doo-wop number...Thanks!
(Hush my darling, don't fear my darling, the lion sleeps tonight....a Weema Wep a Weema Wep, etc.") Jim
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#8
Hi Jim

ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I have been wanting to ask you a question for a long while now, but I felt it might be taken the wrong way and I do not want to say anything that might offend, or trouble or hurt you. I see you are a gifted writer.
my question is
Why do you want to be a songwriter?

You are a natural POET!
A BLOGGER!
A THINKER! A PERSONALITY!

You have ALOT to say.

Songwriting takes one topic and drives it home with no opportunity for tangents and asides, no room for additional stories you have to share. A songwriter must take each of the things they want to share, each story they want to tell, and make ONE song. For EACH topic.

So I ask you, why do you feel led to songwriting? Are there melodies going around in your head?

Think of it like this.

One thought, one melody, one song.
tomorrow
another one

Love you
Blessings
ang Smile
Reply
#9
Thank you Ang,
Why?
So much is related to an imaginary audience.
I dream more than think.
I wish for a good consideration in "the eyes of men" more than in God's eye.
That informs the shame I feel before God, when I'm a bit more awake.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" is my consolation.
We need to know how little we regard Him compared to the abundance He pours out to us.
But maybe my motives, however foolish, are something that may be useful.
Maybe I could write something that would turn a wondering soul somewhere.
When I'm alone I start making up songs. I can sometimes recapture the first verse or two and suspect I'm going to learn to make musical notations of some sort to work out the melodies.
Maybe I need to start dividing song from poem, and just decide which wants to be which. The discipline of rhyme and meter is just a really interesting and helpful challenge now, and I'm barely scratching the surface.
I hope to retire sometime in the coming year (I'm 66, Oh No-o-o-o-o.....) and start writing full time...poems, songs, a novel I'm forever sketching out in my mind, if I live long enough, and if my receding brain doesn't leave me first.
Thanks again
Jim Darlington
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