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"You Could Live Again" - level 3 critiques welcome
#1
Some of you may recognize the basic content of this song as I had posted it for critique in it's original 1992 form on CSN's previous site. I have changed the title, edited and rewrote and now I am much happier with the meter and flow. As always, any critiques are welcome - be as tough as you like!


YOU CAN COULD LIVE AGAIN  

V1

I saw you watch a loved one die

Saw him slip away before your eyes

The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart


You know that I can feel sense your pain

My tears for you fall down like rain

I feel your faith begin to wane

Please realize you're that close to My heart

Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you

I bled for you, (child) I died for you

No blaze of glory, only pain

I took the fall and suffered all

So you can could live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears


I know that heartache, I feel you bleed

I'll comfort you in your time of need

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here 


©R. Gingrich/Serious Noise Publishing 1992/2017
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#2
Hey Hamster
Yes I remember this vaguely

It flows nicely
a little nit:
I do think you could make the pre chorus more powerful
but I have no suggestions............ just the know/so is so, ahh, you know?

also, your talking about a person losing someone, but the Lord says so "you" can live again
wouldn't it be more comforting for the Lord to say so "All" can live again?
Now that would really mess up your lyric...........
hmmm
how about a tag
"so all can live again"

as always, keep or sweep.

Let me know when the music is up

Blessings
ang Smile
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#3
Hi Damp Hamster...

I sense this song may not just be notional as some songs are, but one written from personal experience.  After all these years you are still trying to nail this one.  I applaud the tenacity......I re-wrote one 171 times and it remains one of my least like but thank God ....Angela referred to it using the word masterpiece....she commented on your song here and she has commented on so many of mine....

Damp H. I would like to critique this at a level 3, but wonder if you first have a few one word answers to these questions as this will help me..


Q#1:  The person who passed..was this a child?

Q#2  Was the person who passed someone you may be convinced is very likely a Christian?



Thanks,

Neil



YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN  

V1

I saw you watch a loved one die

Saw him slip away before your eyes

The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart


You know that I can feel your pain

My tears for you fall down like rain

Please realize you're that close to My heart

Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you

I bled for you, (child) I died for you

No blaze of glory, only pain

I took the fall and suffered all

So you can live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears


I know that heartache, I feel you bleed

I'll comfort you in your time of need

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here
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#4
Q#1: The person who passed..was this a child?

My best friend's older brother, 24 yrs old, married to my cousin, died following a routine surgery

Q#2 Was the person who passed someone you may be convinced is very likely a Christian?

Yes, definitely
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#5
O.K. I think I see what your intent is.  Thanks.  Comments on lyrics to follow.
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#6
Some parts of this write are biographical, others are not. I simply used what happened to my best friend as a starting point to write this song. IMO some of the elements of this song didn't gel quite right, didn't form a cohesive whole. I've changed a line in V1 to indicate that, in the midst of the person's suffering, his/her faith is teetering on a precipice. IMO, this serves to link the verse content to the latter half of the chorus where I changed "can" to "could" (ditto for the title).

This write is intended to read as a gentle reminder from Jesus that despite our suffering, grief, loneliness and flagging faith, He suffers with us, wants to comfort us and loves us so much that He suffered and died for us. So... with my little edits, have I brought it closer to the stated intention?
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
Reply
#7
(03-25-2017, 05:41 PM)damp hamster Wrote: Some parts of this write are biographical, others are not. I simply used what happened to my best friend as a starting point to write this song. IMO some of the elements of this song didn't gel quite right, didn't form a cohesive whole. I've changed a line in V1 to indicate that, in the midst of the person's suffering, his/her faith is teetering on a precipice. IMO, this serves to link the verse content to the latter half of the chorus where I changed "can" to "could" (ditto for the title).

This write is intended to read as a gentle reminder from Jesus that despite our suffering, grief, loneliness and flagging faith, He suffers with us, wants to comfort us and loves us so much that He suffered and died for us. So... with my little edits, have I brought it closer to the stated intention?

Hi DH,

Since you ask for a level 33333 I focused on meter..............couple of nits and tweaks...none really essential.....


V1

I saw you watch a loved one die     ……..u  /  u  /  u  / u  / (8)  (your brother)  or (your loved one die)

Saw him slip away before your eyes  …………./ u  /  u  /  u  / u  / (9)    As he slipped
The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart     ……… u / u  /  u  /  / u  / u  / (11)


You know that I can feel your pain   ……… u  /  u  /  u  / u  / (8)  I still feel

My tears for you fall down like rain  ………..u  /  u  /  u  / u  / (8)  pour / stream /  down

Please realize you're that close to My heart  ………..u  /  u  /  u  u  / u  u  /  (10) (not sure if "that" is a typo……not sure what you mean by “that close” )



Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know           (You are mine)

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you               (I hurt….)           (I cry….) 

I bled for you, (child) I died for you            

No blaze of glory, only pain                             (I know your sorrow and deepest pain)

I took the fall and suffered all                        (your fall)  

So you can live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold ……..u  /  u  /  u  / u  / (8)

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole …………./ u  /  u  /  u  / u  u  / (10)  (not same meter as V1 line 2)

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears……… u / u  /  u  /  u / u  / (10) (not same meter as V1 line 3)

I know that heartache, I feel you bleed u / u / u u / u / (9)    (not same meter as V1 line 4)

I'll comfort you in your time of need…..….u  /  u  /  u  u / u  / (9) (not same meter as V1 line 5)
(I’m here for you in this time of need)

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here ……u  /  u  /  u  / u  / u  / (10) (not same meter as V1 line 6)
                       (always near, I am here)


Keep or sweep....its a great song in the works.....which may be applicable to others....
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