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"You Could Live Again" - level 3 critiques welcome
#1
Some of you may recognize the basic content of this song as I had posted it for critique in it's original 1992 form on CSN's previous site. I have changed the title, edited and rewrote and now I am much happier with the meter and flow. As always, any critiques are welcome - be as tough as you like!


YOU CAN COULD LIVE AGAIN  

V1

I saw you watch a loved one die

Saw him slip away before your eyes

The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart


You know that I can feel sense your pain

My tears for you fall down like rain

I feel your faith begin to wane

Please realize you're that close to My heart

Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you

I bled for you, (child) I died for you

No blaze of glory, only pain

I took the fall and suffered all

So you can could live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears


I know that heartache, I feel you bleed

I'll comfort you in your time of need

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here 


©R. Gingrich/Serious Noise Publishing 1992/2017
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#2
Hey Hamster
Yes I remember this vaguely

It flows nicely
a little nit:
I do think you could make the pre chorus more powerful
but I have no suggestions............ just the know/so is so, ahh, you know?

also, your talking about a person losing someone, but the Lord says so "you" can live again
wouldn't it be more comforting for the Lord to say so "All" can live again?
Now that would really mess up your lyric...........
hmmm
how about a tag
"so all can live again"

as always, keep or sweep.

Let me know when the music is up

Blessings
ang Smile
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#3
Hi Damp Hamster...

I sense this song may not just be notional as some songs are, but one written from personal experience.  After all these years you are still trying to nail this one.  I applaud the tenacity......I re-wrote one 171 times and it remains one of my least like but thank God ....Angela referred to it using the word masterpiece....she commented on your song here and she has commented on so many of mine....

Damp H. I would like to critique this at a level 3, but wonder if you first have a few one word answers to these questions as this will help me..


Q#1:  The person who passed..was this a child?

Q#2  Was the person who passed someone you may be convinced is very likely a Christian?



Thanks,

Neil



YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN  

V1

I saw you watch a loved one die

Saw him slip away before your eyes

The knife cut deep, the hurt tore you apart


You know that I can feel your pain

My tears for you fall down like rain

Please realize you're that close to My heart

Pre-chorus

Child of Mine, I want you to know

With all My heart I love you so

Chorus  

I've hurt for you, I've cried for you

I bled for you, (child) I died for you

No blaze of glory, only pain

I took the fall and suffered all

So you can live again


V2

Your days feel empty, dark and cold

Sorrow threatens to swallow you whole

You're lonely now, you're crying bitter tears


I know that heartache, I feel you bleed

I'll comfort you in your time of need

So run to Me, you need Me, I am here
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#4
Q#1: The person who passed..was this a child?

My best friend's older brother, 24 yrs old, married to my cousin, died following a routine surgery

Q#2 Was the person who passed someone you may be convinced is very likely a Christian?

Yes, definitely
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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#5
Keep or Sweep....

Based upon your answers, the way I read the song it is Jesus talking to your best friend…..but I think it may be improved if it were not Jesus talking to your best friend, but rather you singing to your best friend…
In my opinion there are two paths for this song  You Can Live Again might be improved....but they depend upon the salvation condition of the one to whom this song is sung.....I assume the one being sung to is your best friend.....

Situation #1 –IF your best friend who is still grieving is a Christian
If your best friend is a Christian…obviously still in mourning and down over the unexpected loss of his brother….and not feeling hopeful in life…..then I think your song perspective could be adapted as we are instructed in 1 Thessalonians 5…You Can Live Again in this hope of seeing Jesus with those we love who’ve passed on.

13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 with these words.

We will see them one day, Our Shepherd with each lamb He took His way. In Jesus' arms held tenderly, We will see them one day.


Situation #2– If Your best friend is not a Christian ---the issue is your best friend’s readiness to die unexpectedly also.  For the person who is not a Christian the gospel example is almost like the story of the eighteen people who died suddenly when the tower fell on them unexpectedly...Jesus point...are you ready?

Then message of the song could be from you to your best friend that says (in so many words)

1.    The person who died is alive with His Savior…there's nothing here he misses
2.    By faith he believed on the Lord, Jesus and accepted Jesus righteousness
3.    So God’s timing is uncertain, but he was ready to face His maker……how about you?

4.    As the singer you can mention that you too have accepted Jesus atonement



So that's my two cents worth....keep or sweep!  Neil

 
 
 
 
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#6
Some parts of this write are biographical, others are not. I simply used what happened to my best friend as a starting point to write this song. IMO some of the elements of this song didn't gel quite right, didn't form a cohesive whole. I've changed a line in V1 to indicate that, in the midst of the person's suffering, his/her faith is teetering on a precipice. IMO, this serves to link the verse content to the latter half of the chorus where I changed "can" to "could" (ditto for the title).

This write is intended to read as a gentle reminder from Jesus that despite our suffering, grief, loneliness and flagging faith, He suffers with us, wants to comfort us and loves us so much that He suffered and died for us. So... with my little edits, have I brought it closer to the stated intention?
I am a damp hamster, a small moist rodent with a pea-sized brain... so what do I know?! 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default....ID=1243220
 
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